Breaking the Hymen

The physical aspect of The Wedding Night centres upon what has been called “defloration”—meaning to “deflower”—the breaking or the removal of the hymen.

There is a purpose for everything that God created and the hymen is no exception. This part of the female anatomy is not a mistake or afterthought by God, and was included in His statement that His Creation was “very good.” By the end of The Wedding Night, the hymen will have served its intended purpose, which was to be a “wall” preventing intercourse—a kind of symbol that God intended young women not to be the “door” referenced in The Song of Solomon.

There are occasions, however, in which the hymen may have been prematurely ruptured by a woman who had kept herself a virgin. Horseback riding, bike riding or even accidents can cause the hymen to break, and in some cases without the young girl or woman realizing it. Also, the wide use in today’s society of tampons during menstruation can sometimes accidentally break the hymen and the normal bloody discharge of menstruation might disguise that this had happened. Husbands must be prepared for a wife who may have been completely unaware that this had occurred.

The removal of the hymen can be carried out either by stretching or by rupture, although rupture is the course most often required. Stretching is one solution that may serve to make the inevitable process of rupture less painful. Upon the initial intercourse, as the penis is placed in contact with the hymen, the gradual force guided by the bride will bring about a minimal pain as it is stretched and finally broken. If sufficient time has been given to lovemaking and foreplay, and the bride has come to full sexual arousal, then the pain will be less noticeable, because it is mixed with pleasurable enjoyment. If the hymen is sufficiently flexible, it can be possible to have complete penetration without breaking it.

A side note: Women often do not experience orgasm on the first night. Concern about rupturing the hymen, but also nervousness, impatience, and extra fatigue or other factors can cause this. While disappointing, the couple should not take this as a failure. The next several sections address additional factors that can come into play.

Repeated intercourse during the honeymoon can continue to stretch the hymen several times beyond the initial intercourse. When the hymen finally relaxes, this completes the defloration in a way that minimizes bleeding and discomfort, if it has been ruptured.

Some brides have worried whether the husband could penetrate the hymen. When it is apparent that it will not stretch as needed, then rupture will be required. Every normal man should be able to penetrate the hymen by bracing himself firmly so that the bride is the one who actually does the pushing. Since she best understands the degree of discomfort she could tolerate, she should determine the necessary pressure for rupturing the membrane.

Just as mentioned with reference to stretching the hymen, before attempting to rupture it, the bride must have reached her full arousal in order for the vagina to be properly lubricated. (This is one reason it is wise to bring some type of lubricant, such as simple baby oil or vaseline, on the honeymoon. Many couples prefer to use additional lubricant throughout their marriage.)

Also, before the first penetration of marital intercourse begins, the bride should help guide the penis to the orifice of the vagina. This is because the groom would naturally be inexperienced. As mentioned, the husband should brace himself in fixed position, allowing the bride to do the pushing. If penetration does not come about in a gradual manner, then the bride will need to use a powerful thrust while the husband continues to hold rigidly still. The rupturing may cause slight pain, but will be accompanied with the delight of the successful defloration.

The emphasis will quickly shift to the pleasurable sensation of the intimate sexual bond between the newlyweds, now occurring for the very first time.

Only in rare cases is it necessary for the bride to visit a physician to have the hymen removed. If need be, this would be a simple procedure, but should only be done after finding that it was too thick to rupture through the initial thrust or actual coitus.

A Sense of Humour

The previous section automatically leads to what we will now cover—bringing a sense of humour to The Wedding Night.

I have counselled countless couples in preparation for The Wedding Night. It would be good here to first mention that such counsel can be helpful, even vital, for almost every couple. Of course, today, most would chuckle, or even ridicule, the idea of pursuing counsel about sex before marriage.

But remember that this book is written for those who have shown restraint and have kept themselves for marriage. These invariably need some guidance. Seeking counsel allows for an experienced counsellor, often the one who will perform the marriage, to offer a host of different helpful insights that can aid young couples in bypassing unnecessary confusion and difficulty. It has long been the policy of God’s Church that every young couple should be carefully counselled about both marriage, sex and The Wedding Night. Of course, within the Church of God this is always done.

A false sense about what this first night will be like is present in most couples. Hollywood has assisted in creating the image that this first sexual encounter will be so perfect that the “earth will move,” thunder and lightning will probably appear, and a choir of angels will be heard singing in the background! Not so.

While The Wedding Night can be wonderful, it will almost certainly not approach perfection or even the level of success that may come even on the second or third night. In other words, things may not go as expected—and there is at least a chance that it will not be close. This is why I always counsel young couples to remember to pack their sense of humour into the suitcase (not just for the honeymoon, but for the entire sexual relationship to follow throughout the marriage).

Many initially wonder why I would say such a thing, and this is generally because of the Hollywood illusion described above. Yet, many have been the times when couples have returned from the honeymoon to exclaim with a broad smile, “Now we know why you said to have a sense of humour!”

There will be some beginning nervousness, including not-yet-overcome embarrassment at being naked before each other for the first time. While this awkwardness of being unclothed almost immediately disappears, and couples can quickly find themselves in the hot tub or showering together, it can be replaced by other awkwardness or fumbling at “key moments.” There may be difficulty putting on the condom, breaking the hymen, or finding the vaginal entrance if it is too dark, etc.

Both parties should recognize that inexperience will probably rule the day (actually the night), or at least some of it. Be prepared to laugh at certain moments and to recognize that you are building special memories that you will cherish for the rest of your lives—inexperience, awkwardness and fumbling among them!