Unique Challenges in Helping Alters
Next Part Part 3 Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.)
- Just because an alter was formed at a certain age does not mean that the alter has all the skills normally associated with that age. For example, it is quite possible for an alter of an excellent reader to be formed in her twenties and yet be unable to read.
- Even though you could be focusing exclusively on one alter or the host, you must always remain alert to the possibility that other alters could be overhearing or observing.
- Usually a significant factor in the formation of alters is that the host had no one who would sympathize with him/her. Any feeling of isolation and rejection at their very formation is often magnified still further by the way alters are subsequently treated even by their own host, who usually has had no training in understanding alters. All of this would be enough to make almost anyone feel suicidal and to feel he/she is “nothing.” But on top of this, alters can mistakenly suppose that being an alter means they are less than human and almost literally “nothing.”
Even if they don’t think they are toys, animals, aliens or demons, it is common for alters to doubt that they are fully human. Many factors contribute to this. For example, our emotions are a significant part of our humanity, and alters are commonly in so much pain that they are largely dissociated from their feelings and emotions. They can feel more like zombies than normal people.
Moreover, alters are often formed as a result of being treated callously, as though they were less than human. In addition, to admit to oneself that one is human is to raise one’s hopes of being treated with dignity and respect and perhaps even love. Most alters’ experience affirms that this is unlikely and that it is less painful never to get one’s hopes up by letting oneself think one is human.
I discovered another significant factor in alters feeling less than human when I wrote on friendship greeting cards and posted them to some of Alice’s alters. When I had only been aware of a few of Alice’s alters I was better able to give them individual attention, but it grew harder when many more appeared in fairly rapid succession. One day, the alter I had known for the longest time suggested that I give a greeting card to one of two troubled alters. She said that giving them something tangible would be beneficial. I decided to buy many cards that were each different, address each one to a different alter, and write a unique, personal message on each card, affirming my appreciation of that alter. Their excitement over receiving their own greeting card far exceeded my expectations.
I had often spoken individually to each alter, so I was surprised that the cards would have such a powerful effect on them. Then I realized that most of these alters had not only never in their lives personally received the smallest of gifts, most had not even one item that they could call their own. I ask hosts to think hard about how they might correct this.
Until I came along, these alters had been in such isolation that they rarely interacted with people and often had not even had a name, much less had been addressed by name. Being continually and solely treated like this would be highly dehumanizing for anyone. Giving each of them a little gift was another significant step in affirming to them that they are truly real and not, as some people think, a figment of the imagination.
Time and again, I have found that a significant aspect of healing involves alters having their humanity affirmed. It is obviously psychologically unhealthy – depressing at the very least – for a person to feel less than human. Likewise, it is unhealthy for people to have any part of them that feels not human or less than human. For a person to be in his or her prime, each part of the full person needs to be psychologically and spiritually in top condition. It is tempting to fear that affirming each alters' existence and individuality would perpetuate a person’s fracturedness. Consider, however, how restoring each individual part of a machine to full strength and pristine condition would cause the entire machine to function so much better. In fact, fully restored parts fit together better than rusted parts. Likewise, if an alter is empowered to be strong, confident and enjoy life, the entire person will benefit. Moreover, confident, assertive alters feel more empowered to share their secrets, thus breaking down the walls that keep a person fractured.
Over and over, as I have affirmed alters, building up their self-confidence and relationship with God, I have seen them develop all sorts of unexpected abilities that have immensely benefited the entire person. D.I.D. exists because of burying things and avoiding issues. The last thing you want is to further bury things. You want to heal, not perpetuate the pain and dysfunction.
So I firmly believe that it is important for alters to realize that they are very lovable, deeply loved by God and are fully human. Let’s briefly examine the issue of their humanity.
Even though there is more to your life than just a portion of your life experiences and memories, you were fully human throughout every experience and memory you had. Suppose a hit on your head caused you to forget most of your past and you could otherwise function fairly normally. Would that make you cease to be human? Likewise, although alters have a portion, and not all, of a person’s life experiences, memories, feelings, reactions and thoughts, they are fully human. Just as we are real humans despite the fact that none of us can consciously recall every experience and thought that we have ever had, so alters are really human, even though an alter is not aware of everything that happened to the person.
Someone with alters who was trying to live in denial told me, “It’s not like alters are real flesh and blood . . .” I replied, “Alters do have flesh and blood. The body you call your own is as much theirs as yours.”
A man told me about an alter of his that had just recently surfaced. “He is kind of a goofball,” he said. “He does not know his name or age.” My heart sank. Hopefully, as reader of these webpage's, you have been so alerted to the sensitivities of alters that you would never use such an insulting name when speaking about alters, especially when they might overhear. In actual fact, if alters first reveal themselves after some alters have already been helped, it is common for them to have overheard conversations and to have grasped from this that they are not the age that they had previously thought they were. Coming to terms with this is confusing for an alter but the dawning of an awareness of an age discrepancy is a sign of intelligence, not stupidity.
Let’s continue listing unique challenges in helping alters:
- We have seen that whenever an alter faces a new trauma, another split is likely to occur. If the previous alter then goes into deep hiding, it is akin to death for the alter, in that often the alter ceases to develop or have much in the way of new experiences and it is left behind in a time warp. But the rest of the person continues to progress. For at least one alter I’ve met, this perceived similarity between going into long term hiding and physical death made it hard for her to grasp emotionally (even though she knew it intellectually) that to kill herself by actually committing suicide is more serious than her “killing” herself simply by going into hiding. It only barely registered in her consciousness that killing her body would kill the host and all the alters. She at least realized that she shared the one body with her host and all the alters. When alters are just beginning to understand who they are, they usually have no conception at all that their bodies are also their hosts’ bodies. There are obvious dangers in regarding suicide as less serious than it really is. If you come across a suicidal alter, in addition to the usual support, ensure that the alter knows that his/her death would kill not just the alter but the host and other alters.
- The fact that alters were created because of the need to deal with severe inner pain can leave some alters scared to let go of pain (to experience full inner healing). They fear that without the pain they would either cease to exist or their reason for living would cease. Obviously, this misconception would need to be addressed in order for alters not to sabotage their own healing.
- A woman was in love and wanted to marry. Her little five-year-old alter also loved the man and wanted the marriage. I was concerned. It is obviously inappropriate for a child to be exposed to marital relations, and even more so for a little alter who had been formed precisely because of the horror of sexual abuse.
The little alter affirmed to me that she knew that married people liked doing things to each other that she didn’t want. I asked her how she would handle that situation.
“I’d just go off and play with God,” she said.
“But how would you know when it is safe to return?”
“I’d just ask God,” she replied, full of confidence.
“But you deserve lots of hugs, too,” I said.
“I get lots of hugs from God,” she replied.
It was quite a while before they married and by then things had radically changed. For his own personal reasons, not related to her at all, her fiancé announced that he wanted to take things very slowly after the wedding and delay consummating the marriage for weeks. By the time the wedding was approaching, however, their fiancé’s plan was too slow for them. The alters had so healed that even those aged three were begging God that as soon as it were morally acceptable they be allowed to go further sexually than their fiancé intended so quickly after marriage.
A significant factor in this change was all the alters growing very close to each other, enabling the younger ones to learn from the much older ones about the positive aspects of sex. The other important factor is that they felt totally free from pressure. They knew they could withhold sex and still enjoy this man’s unconditional love. His selfless love filled them with a desire to pour out their love upon him.
Moreover, after a few months an alter surfaced for the first time while the couple were making love. This was not because the alter was triggered but because she found it so pleasurable. It affirmed to the alter that live was worth living. Not long afterwards another alter surfaced during lovemaking. This one had thought she was dead but the pleasure she had felt during lovemaking affirmed to her that she was alive. Later, still more new alters were, as it were, pleasantly awakened from sleep through lovemaking.
These alters quickly discovered they were now much older and married. They healed rapidly because by now the host had many alters who knew the ropes and were able to quickly teach the new ones such things as how to access the memories of other alters. It was a joy to see how painless this whole process was for them, in huge contrast to the slow, agonizing progress that healing had been for the first alters to surface.
Another woman writes:
Once, before I knew about D.I.D. but after God had begun talking to me about inner child parts, I was moving towards an intimate encounter with my husband and started to panic inside. Realizing this might be a reaction from child parts, I felt led to say, “It’s okay. I’m an adult. I’m married, and it’s okay for this to happen. I don’t mind.” They seemed confused and shocked, questioning, “Really? Are you sure it’s okay?” “Yes, it really is,” I replied. “So you can just go play now or something.”
“Well, if you're really sure . . .” came the response.
Then another part – a young girl – gently ushered them away.
Alters require time to develop the level of confidence in God and in her future husband that this alter displayed, but it certainly opened my eyes as to what is possible. The only problem I could foresee is that her host’s husband would need to avoid being overly spontaneous by giving the alter no warning before doing something that would be inappropriate in a presence of a little girl. I presume the same principle could apply if an adult wanted to see or read something that could disturb a tiny alter.
Wherever practical, however, the ideal is to wait until all alters who believe they are children mature. This should in no way be enforced upon them but it might take as little as just a few months if they get lots of support in their healing.
- If alters no longer feel it is safe to reveal themselves to you, they will go quiet. If they suspect you will reject, despise or criticize them, you will not hear from them. They will likewise clam up if they suspect you will expose them or betray them by telling their secrets to someone they do not, as yet, trust. If you do not realize this, and you have alters, you will wrongly conclude from their silence that you do not have alters or that they have now gone or integrated with you.
- To someone unsure as to how to talk to her own alters, Alice wrote:
I asked my alters (who are now very chatty) what helped them open up. They said they loved being read to. (Reading out loud has loads of benefits anyway and helps me greatly with public speaking). In a story, they would feel what the characters were feeling. I used books with non-threatening stories. If one of the story characters was sad and an alter could relate, I’d stop reading and let her/me cry. It was a safe way for alters to express feelings, without directly connecting with their own pain.
I suggest a children’s book or a book about children. Young alters can relate to children. Animal stories were also a big way for my alters to express themselves. I cried through the book, Holes. It really touched their fears of injustice. The movie Second Hand Lions was brilliant for them. They laughed, cried and didn’t feel alone.
At the end of this web series is a link to a couple of short Christian stories written especially for young alters.
- Although it is common to suppose that all alters have been identified when there are still some in hiding, it is also possible to suppose there are more alters than there really are. “I’m hiding another alter,” lied a female alter. She did this because if she were rejected because of what she then revealed, only this non-existent alter would be rejected. She could continue to converse with me on other subjects.
- Yet another challenge unique to alters is that timid alters typically sleep during the day (when they find things the most stressful) and come out late at night when everyone else (host included) is asleep. It would therefore be productive for counsellors to regularly phone late at night but this is obviously very draining for the counsellor and largely impractical.
Continued . . .
Healing and Integration of Alters
WARNING: To understand the dangers as well as the benefits of treating Dissociative Identity Disorder, you must read on.