To One in Doubt about Marriage
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Dear friend,
Of course, you understand that the question which you are asking so anxiously is one which no one but yourself and your friend can really and finally answer. The matter of marriage is a sacred one, with which no stranger dare inter-meddle. Friends may give advice or may give impressions, or may throw light upon the character and disposition of one or the other of the parties, or may even venture to give opinions as to the wisdom or the unwise, the fitness or the unfitness of the marriage. But, after all, the two people who are to live together are the only people who can finally settle the question. Of course, God should always be taken into counsel, as he should be in all life's transactions.
In no other relation in life do we need more divine guidance. The marriage formula runs, "Those whom God has joined together," and so forth. The assumption is that the marriage is of God, not only that the ceremony is in his name, a sacred covenant — but that he himself has brought the two together and united their lives. I always fear, therefore, even to speak a word when asked such questions as you have brought to me, lest some sentence of mine might give a wrong bias either way.
But, very frankly, it seems to me that you are in a morbid condition. Either, as you suggest, you have fallen into the hands of the tempter, and he is making a good deal of trouble for you, or you have formed an unwholesome habit of introspection which is working mischief in you and for you. I cannot see that the question you raise should ever have been raised. I have gone most carefully over your letter, and I cannot see that there is a particle of reason in any of these inquiries which seem to vex you so much. A nobler girl never lived, than your friend. It was my privilege to know her while she was here, as a father knows a child. She came to me, not very often, but always with a child's confidence. We talked together, I prayed with her and sought to strengthen her for her work. She has told you all about this, no doubt. What I want to say, however, is that while I have known a great many young women in the Medical College, in other schools and in other walks in life, I say to you very freely, and without the least prejudice, that I believe not one of them is nobler in heart and life than she.
You ask me to make inquiry at the college for her exact standing as a pupil. This I could not do. It would not be a proper thing for me to ask the authorities. I have no very close relations with the dean or secretary of the faculty.
Besides, my asking the question would naturally raise suspicion, at least the thought that some doubt has been cast upon her standing by someone. You will see, I think, readily, that it is not possible for me to grant this request of yours. But, my Dear friend, why should you want such figures? Is your love going to be influenced by the difference between eighty-six and ninety-six? I hope not. There is no question whatever that she stood well in her class — I do not know whether she was first or second or tenth. I merely know that she stood high, that she was an honored pupil, not only among the faculty — but also among the students. She bore herself as a Christian in such a way as to win the confidence and the respect, not only of the other Christian girls — but of those who were not Christians.
But I need not go over the points which you enumerate. It seems to me that, as I said before, you are the victim of an unwholesome morbidness which is likely to do you harm in more ways than one. Perhaps this is not altogether strange. I believe that men are very often beset by such feelings in settling questions like this. You are not the first person I have tried to help through similar experiences. But let me advise you to put away all these foolish and unfair questions and to meet the question like a man.
God does not work miracles, to give us signs, as sometimes in the Old Testament days he did, to show us what our duty is. You will not find the fleece dry and the grass wet with dew, nor the fleece wet and the grass dry, as in the case of one of the signs given in the Old Testament. God has put into your mind a proper measure of good sense and wisdom, and he wants you to meet questions of this kind and of all kinds for yourself. There are certain occasions when prayer, it seems to me, is overdone. Sometimes we are to rise and act. Dr. A.J. Gordon said that he had been clearly rebuked by God once when he was praying that the Lord would have compassion upon the lost world. He seemed to hear a voice saying: "I have had compassion upon the lost world. I gave my life for the world. Now it is your turn to have compassion, to give your life for the world." I believe very many prayers made by Christians for the salvation of souls and for the advancement of God's kingdom — are little less than mockeries in God's sight, because God wants us to go forth and do the very things which we ask him to do. Now I believe that while prayer is always right, it is quite possible to pray, in a state like yours, until one prays oneself into deep darkness. It looks to me this way.
You know her. You have known her for many years. You know that she is one of the noblest God ever made. You know that the man who can get her for a wife, will be honoured among men as few men are honoured. Now, it seems to me, there is only one question remaining — Can you get her? I do not know how she, herself, feels upon this subject. I have not heard from her since your meeting. But it certainly seems to me that, knowing her so well and believing in her so fully, as you certainly have been led to do by your knowledge and experience of her, you are very foolish to waste time in asking any questions about her fitness to be your wife. I think that part is quite clear. The other question is one perhaps which you need to ask — whether you are a good enough man to be her husband. This she must help you to answer. If you think that she is good enough to be your wife, and she thinks you are good enough to be her husband — I think your lives are ready to blend, and that you may accept these mutual opinions and decisions as indications of God's guidance and approval.
Perhaps I have said more than I should say, for, after all, I have answered your questions almost directly. But you understand that, after all, the question comes back to yourselves. There is some subtle thing in human hearts which, when people are perfectly honest, will, I think, almost invariably tell them whether they should come together or not. If you both have doubts on the subject, you had better stay apart.
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