Talking About Oneself
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Dear friend,
You certainly have misunderstood the chapter in one of my books, to which you refer, about "Talking of Oneself." The people I refer to in the article, are those who talk to everybody about themselves and about nothing else. Only two or three days ago, I had a call from such a person — indeed, I see the person quite often. He will talk about nothing else but himself. He is a clergyman, and, of course, a very great man, and, no doubt, there is a great deal to talk about. But from the time when he comes in, until he goes out — there is no chance for even a mere suggestion concerning anything else than the speaker himself. They said that Lord Macaulay, while the greatest speaker England ever knew, could in no possible sense be called a conversationalist. He never gave the other man a chance for a word. But the beauty of Macaulay, however, was that he did not talk about himself, but about the great themes that filled his mind.
A lady told me last summer about her pastor. She said that he called at her home one afternoon about two o'clock. She had a number of engagements for the afternoon, and was very impatient to get away. But the pastor began to talk, not about himself — but about the things that lay nearest his heart, and never left the house until a quarter past six — when her tea bell rang and gave him an intimation that he had better be going.
The visitor to whom I referred before is not this sort of man. He talks about himself, his own work, what he has been doing, what people say about him, the great achievements he has made, and all such matters. He has only one virtue — he is not a morbid, retrospective person, does not talk about his ailments, his sufferings, his personal troubles — but about his greatness, his wisdom, his high attainments, and so forth.
But let me say to you in a word that I believe most sincerely in talking about oneself as you do. A great many people are the same way. They never talk about themselves to people in general. Those who see them every day would not know they ever had a care or a pain or suffered in any way. But they need some person, to whom they can unburden themselves, just as a sick patient does to a physician. You might just as well say that it is not right for you to tell your physician all about your disease, as to say that you should not tell all your spiritual experiences and spiritual needs to one who may be able to help you. I am sure you do not talk about your physical condition in detail to anybody but your physician.
Have you ever thought that the way Christ nearly always helps people, is through human friends? He does not come himself in person, in bodily presence. Ordinarily he sends someone, because we cannot, in our human condition, receive spiritual help directly — we need a mediator. My work as a Christian teacher and a Christian minister is to represent Christ, to interpret Christ, not only in my words — but in my life. Some person longs to know a little about the love of Christ — and Christ sends him to me. Some man is struggling with terrible temptation. He must have the human touch, the clasp of the human hand, the encouragement of the human voice, the beating of the human heart; so Christ sends him to me that I may show him a little at least of the divine compassion, the divine affection, the divine sympathy, a little of the divine encouragement. Just so far as I represent Christ truly, do I become a real help to those who need me.
I think you understand now just what I mean by the article to which you refer. I am sure you understand that I do not have any reference at all to such revealing of oneself as you have made to me when you wished to have my help.
You probably know some people of the kind I referred to in the article. I know some people that I never dare ask when I meet them, "How are you today?" If I put the greeting in that form — I am sure to get a long narrative of sufferings, pains, bad colds, restless nights, dreary days, and a hundred other things which belong to the list of human ills. I have one man in mind now whom I always very carefully greet with a simple "Good morning," not giving him any chance to speak of his condition. Then when he begins his list of ailments, I try by some cheerful word to divert his mind from its sad strain into a more cheerful and happy mood.
I mortally offended a young woman who came to me the other day with a long and sad story. The case was a sad one — a home with feeble parents, money all gone, and pinching need facing the family. I took the matter up at once in a very practical way, trying to find something for the girl to do — that is what she came to me for. Then, having done this, I merely said to her: "Now, my child, try to be brave and cheerful. Do your duty and trust God, and he will take care of you. She wrote the same night a long letter, telling me that I had hurt her very sorely by not showing her any sympathy. She said that when she told me her troubles, instead of sympathizing with her — I merely said, "Be brave, my child." She wanted to have condolence of a kind which I never give to any person.
You know enough about me to know that my aim is never to make people 's burdens heavier by talking about them, and dwelling upon their sad features — but to put cheer andencouragement into their hearts, so that they can rise up in new strength and go bravely on in their allotted experiences. This is the true secret of the art of being a comforter. The word "comfort" means to strengthen, and the true comforter is the one who tries to make others stronger. If I can take away the trouble, of course it may be better for me to do it. Ordinarily we cannot lessen the burden, and all we can do is to make the burden bearer a little stronger to go on keeping his load.
What I want to say to you, is that the truest friend is not the one who sits down beside you and goes over the painful experiences of your life with you in detail, merely for the sake of showing sympathy — but the one who, having listened sympathetically and lovingly to the recital of your sufferings or your pain — then begins to be a healer, a physician.
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