Sexually Molested as a Boy

Exploding Myths About Sexually Abused Boys

Suppose a drug pusher gave hard drugs to a little child until the child became dangerously addicted. This would be an equally grave offense no matter what the gender of the two participants, or whether the drugs were violently forced down the child’s throat or the child were told the drugs were sweets and tricked into voluntarily swallowing them. Likewise, child sexual abuse is the same grave offense regardless of whether violence were used or the victim were tricked into voluntarily participating, and the affects are just as devastating regardless of the gender of the participants.

A significant portion of drug addicts end up pushers but that neither lowers their own suffering nor lessens the gravity of the offense against their innocence when they were children.

Children are children. They are equally vulnerable and unaware of moral issues irrespective of their gender or the gender of their abusers. It is not more shameful or less horrific to be abused by one gender than the other. And the scars and pain of child abuse are equally serious regardless of whether survivors grow up to be men or women. Testosterone is not a painkiller. Neither do courage or physical strength lower one’s agony.

However you define manhood and masculinity, it is not manly, gutsy or macho to run from reality by trying to bury one’s past and live in denial. Real maturity, strength and courage are shown by confronting the past and dealing with it.

Well that’s enough introduction from me. Let’s hear from a young man who is still recovering from the aftermath of being sexually interfered with.

Grantley Morris
Founder of Net-Burst.Net

It happened while being babysat

I’m unsure of my age, but I’m guessing it was around 5-7 years of age. The babysitter told me to perform what I now know was oral sex on her. She did the same with me. This happened on several occasions. I had little idea at the time that it was wrong and, sadly, I was curious and this new “game” felt good and was our secret.

Like the glory of God that shines into the deepest darkness of our souls and depravity, one day my little brother caught us in the closet. He had the sense to tell my mom. My parents quickly put an end to the girl being around me. I remember very little else, other than being told it was dirty and not to let her or others take advantage of me like that.

Shortly afterwards I started masturbating. My newfound pleasure consumed me and I would recall in vivid detail my abuse over and over again; all the time hating myself for it and despising what had happened. Yet part of me held onto it.

The struggle with masturbation has lessened now that I’m in my early 20s, but through much of my life it was a fierce battle. I’ve wrestled with pornography. My life will be forever changed because of my past.

Slowly my thoughts and emotions have trickled out, after having been bottled up inside me for so long through never dealing with them.

I know Christ has forgiven me and that he alone can get me through my past, but the emotional/psychological damage will take time to heal.

Some of my doctors think my anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder problems could be related to my abuse. As much as I hate to admit it, they are probably right to some extent.

It’s been hard to talk to anyone about these issues, especially my parents, with whom I have a close relationship. How could I possibly convey to them the damage that had been done?

I have horrid memories of times when I felt out of control masturbating or feeling like I was in a far off place. As I fought masturbation sometimes I would win but whenever I lost I’d feel even more miserable and hopeless. There is no question the less I gave in to masturbation, the less the desire grew within me.

I’ve tried to evaluate and give a reason for the when, why and how of my abuse. My guess is that the babysitter had also been abused or was still being abused and didn’t know any better. The part that disturbs me the most, as noted elsewhere in this website (I’ve found this website very helpful to identify in words what I’ve been dealing with over the years) is the pleasure component.

Though I was young and a long way off from puberty, I still felt pleasure and a deep connection with her, though to my knowledge no penetration occurred. Reading one of the webpages on www.net-burst.net helped me realize that I don’t have to feel guilty for feeling the pleasure.

Prior to that I would feel terribly guilty and seek Christ’s forgiveness for my sins over and over, but always feeling hopeless because the false guilt feelings never truly disappeared. I began to think that maybe I was the one abusing the girl with my continued curiosity and interest in these new found feelings. Even today it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I was deeply confused and troubled by it, all the while making it worse by acting out/masturbating after the abuse was only a memory.

I know as I seek out God’s will for my life and allow him into every area of my life – even those that I have hidden away to deal with another day – he will surely make a way for me. I’m slowly letting people get close to me and opening up my feelings. It’s a challenge every day to stave off loneliness, depression and uncertainty, but I will always and forever have the hope of the ultimate Restorer and Healer, Jesus Christ.