Proper Atmosphere

Many couples neglect to give the general atmosphere of where sex occurs the necessary attention that it deserves—and we are usually speaking of the bedroom. While intercourse can certainly take place outside the bedroom, and often does, particularly with young couples, this location more than any other should be given extra thought and preparation for the special lovemaking and bonding that occurs there.

As with hygiene, and with nice fragrances of perfumes and colognes, the right lighting is important for the room. Too much or too little are usually not as good as something in between. The decor and cleanliness of the bedroom, including bedspread, pictures and other items which enhance the surroundings—some couples enjoy adding candles, background music or other kinds of ambiance—also play a role in setting the proper atmosphere for lovemaking. Be sure that this area of preparation is not overlooked or minimized as if it has no role in the evening. It does!

Distractions

The time of lovemaking is the most special time between husband and wife. It involves perhaps more planning than many might realize. Eliminating distractions is vital and will directly affect, particularly in the case of the woman, whether she can enjoy the occasion.

First, this is the most intimate activity to occur in marriage. It must be completely private in every way. Remember that what occurs in the bedroom is nobody’s business but that of husband and wife. Also, it is important that children not turn into a distraction, more a problem for women (especially those with babies and small children) than men. Other noises, such as the phone interrupting (or pets), can be an obvious problem. The answering machine might be the best option. Then, consider setting aside at least certain regular occasions so that marital relations do not go wanting longer than they should, with neither mate having noticed.

Remember that the focus should be on bonding in the way that only this activity permits. Distractions work against this purpose.

Communication

There is another vital part of sharing love between husband and wife that is often overlooked, neglected or ignored—but is also sometimes misunderstood. This is the communication—love talk—before and during intercourse—often referred to as “pillow talk.” Similar to the importance of atmosphere, this special intimate conversation either does not occur as it should or is eventually neglected because few understand its supreme importance. Most simply do not grasp the direct connection between conversation and the sex act.

It is paramount that both husband and wife understand what that connection is!

The perverted images of Hollywood and elsewhere have long fostered the wrong image that being in the heat of passion and participating in the sex act are times to be the “strong, silent type”—both men and women—with actions to speak louder than words. Nothing could be further from the truth. What is thought to be no more than the whispering of “sweet nothings” is, in fact, the expressing of things that are much more than sweet nothings.

Let’s understand why.

Perhaps the single greatest difference regarding sex between animals and sexual relations between human beings is that human beings are able to talk to each other. This means that they can express special affection, love, fondness, gratitude and respect for each other in a way that no animals can.

The all-wise God specifically designed lovemaking to be this way. Remember, this love is a type of the same love that Jesus Christ feels toward His Church, as well as a type of the love that God and Christ hold for all of mankind (John 3:16). The Bible is filled with places in which Christ expresses His love for His disciples and for His Church—His affianced bride.

Now think of it this way: First, recall that above all that God is, He declares that He “is love” (I John 4:8, 16). This means that everything that He does is based on and motivated by love.

Next, realize that all of Christ’s New Testament instruction is His love being expressed to His Church. Every time a member of His Church prays to God, it is an expression of his or her love back to Him. This picture represents a two-way conversation between God (in this case, Christ) as Husband and His wife (-to-be), spiritual Israel of the New Testament. Then, think of the entire Bible as the inspired compilation of all of the many vital instructions, principles and laws that a loving God, out of tremendous love for all humanity, expresses to His Church/Wife. God’s Word foretells a future time when all mankind will pray to the same God, and every human being on earth will offer expressions of deep love, respect and gratitude to Him.

God and His Children Talk

The God of love and His children talk to each other because there is love between them. Verbal expressions at the most intimate moments of love have great meaning to both mates—and these are now seen to also carry spiritual overtones and meaning. Both parties should be prepared to offer them in the right way and at the right time. To see their value, merely reflect on the last time something special was said to you at one of these shared moments. Of course, they should be genuine, not shallow, insincere flattery.

While both husbands and wives appreciate hearing the expression of such things, they are particularly important for the wife to hear, in that women are actually brought to arousal and readiness for sexual intercourse more quickly with such intimate conversation. The loving husband never forgets this—and never forgets that it can help insure the bringing about of the final orgasmic pleasure of his wife. He also recognizes that wives are actually more interested in, and responsive to, sex relations when the husband has used kind tones and warm communications throughout the day. And this should not merely be done by the husband so that he can “get sex” that night, or his insincerity will be noticed and the whole act will be cheapened. (This chapter’s inset from the Song of Solomon should be very helpful in understanding what has been explained.)

Recall that there are four phases of sexual intercourse. We can now return to the other three, recognizing that the importance of right conversation leads directly to the second phase.