Out in the World CHAPTER 32.
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For a week or two Madeline continued in this half slumberous condition, tranquil and peaceful, as one who lingers in the morning hours between sleeping and waking. It was a question in the minds of her friends whether life would calmly recede, or the vital forces take up again their partly abandoned work.
Very slowly life appeared to gain on death. Thought was unveiled — her mental vision grew clearer. She looked into the face of her new condition, understood it, and became troubled. To this state of mind, which Mrs. Lawrence had seen must come in the natural evolution of things, it was a delicate and doubtful task to minister.
One day, after Madeline had so far regained strength as to be able to sit up, Mrs. Lawrence found her in tears. She had noted, for some time, the gradual stealing of a shadowover her face.
"I can't have this!" she said, cheerily, bending over Madeline and kissing her.
But, Madeline's tears only gushed afresh. Mrs. Lawrence sat down, and drawing her head against her bosom, held it there until a calmer state of mind was gained.
"What troubles you, dear?" she then asked.
Madeline sighed heavily — but remained silent.
"Let me give you a lesson" — Mrs. Lawrence looked tenderly at her friend. "It is two thousand years old, but as clearly applicable to your case, as if just spoken. 'Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' You were thinking of tomorrow."
"And why not?"
"Today alone, is yours. Take the good of today; and do not spoil its sweetness with the imagined evils of tomorrow. Is not all right with you today? Is there any good thing lacking that I can supply?"
"Oh, my friend! You burden me with good things. You fill my cup until it runs over. You have already made me a debtor even to bankruptcy."
"Love keeps no account books. She stands creditor to none. I have already received more than I have given. My heart has been full to overflowing with delight ever since you have been here. Do not mar this pleasure — do not hinder the work of love."
"But your husband, Jessie?"
"It is of his good pleasure that you are here. For a long time we have sought for you — my husband and I. He has taken great pains to find you."
Madeline raised herself up, and turned to Mrs. Lawrence with a look of puzzled inquiry on her face.
"I do not understand this," she said.
"Why should Mr. Lawrence take an interest in me? It was not so in the years gone by."
"Time works changes in us all," Mrs. Lawrence answered, with slight evasion, "and my husband has changed."
Madeline showed, by the way in which she looked at Mrs. Lawrence, that she was far from being satisfied. Not seeing the way clear for pursuing this subject, Mrs. Lawrence changed it by saying —
"Another time, when you are strong enough to help yourself, and go out — we will talk of this again. It would be fruitless now." Then, after a little pause, she said, "I've wanted to know how it has been with you in the long years that have passed since you went out from your home and friends, with such a daring and desperate spirit, to walk through the world alone."
Madeline did not answer.
"If it would be very painful to uncover this past," added Mrs. Lawrence, "do not lift the veil. If the book is shut — do not open it again."
"I have shut the book, and would not open it again; for, to open it, would be to live over what I have not strength to bear," replied Madeline. "No doubt the discipline was needed. It was hard — very hard — this lonely, friendless life, out in the wilderness, with beasts of prey all around me, thirsting for innocent blood. But out of it, in God's providence, I have come, a purer and better woman, I think, and fitter for Heaven. It may be, that the end would not have been as well for me, if I had walked with beauty and brightness — cared for and housed amid luxuries. There may have been that in me which needed, for correction, all that I have suffered. I know not. But this I know, that God has not permitted my wilfulness to work out destruction. In my distresses, I turned to Him, and he often gave light and even comfort. He was my defense on the right hand and on the left. In sorest trials and temptations, He did not allow my feet to be moved.
"What has troubled me deepest at times," she continued, is the evil consequences to another that have followed my ill-considered act."
Her voice trembled; she shut her eyes, and kept silence for a few moments. Then resumed with a singular calmness, considering the subject and her weakness —
"And yet, to both, it may be, that the painful discipline was needed. Life, in this world, is as nothing compared to the duration of life in the next; and all pain and suffering here, if they help us to put aside the things that would stand in the way of our happiness through eternity — are to be considered blessings in disguise. To this view, my mind has been, for some time, gradually rising. We cannot stand alone in this world; we cannot act for ourselves alone. No deed is fruitless of consequences; and the consequences rarely, if ever, limit themselves to the individual actor. So, in our passion and our pride, as well as in our love and humility — God makes of us instruments for good; and where our work is evil in the present, he controls the results and turns them into benefits. So, even in self-condemnation, I find a degree of comfort."
The pale cheeks of Madeline were beginning to flush, and her eyes to grow unnaturally bright. Mrs. Lawrence took her hand and found that it was trembling.
"Your thought is too strong for your body," she said; "and you must let it rest. I understand you clearly; and believe that you have solved the question aright. What we do, may seem to hurt another — nay, may hurt him in some degree of his life; but God's wise and unerring providence will cause the hurt of a lower degree, to become the minister of good to some higher degree of the mind. And so, where blindly, or of set purpose, we have wrought a present evil — He will work out a future good."
"It must be so," returned Madeline. "If God is infinitely good and wise, and His providence over all, even to the minutest things of life — 'the very hairs of your head are numbered' — will He not so control the results of our blindness and ignorance; of our self-will and passion; nay, even of our evil purpose — so that real harm shall not be done. There may be external, and apparent harm; harm such as the surgeon effects in order that a higher and nobler benefit may be secured; but it will be as nothing to the good results. 'For,' in the words of Paul, 'our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.' It is only through tribulation, that some of us can bepurified; and those through whose agency we suffer tribulation, become really the ministers of blessing."
"I can give you no lessons, my dear friend, in this school," said Mrs. Lawrence. "There was a time, when I might have been your teacher; but you have learned from a better Instructor. Keep near to His side. Trust in Him, and recognize His providence in your presence here, as much as in any other event of your life. While we live — our lives affect other lives. You have not ceased to act upon others. Your work is not yet done. Not by any purpose of yours, are you here today. The hand of Providence, which led you, is not disguised. Be passive, then, and wait."
"You are my teacher," replied Madeline, with moistening eyes. "Wise, true friend, I will be passive; I will wait."
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