Marriage.
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On this subject, very few think seriously, and those who make it a matter of much reflection, too generally think erroneously. We allude, of course, to young people. Those of more mature age have clearer views; but too often these are consequent upon either seeing or feeling the evils that result from marriages entered into from blind passions or improper motives. The great difficulty, with regard to those who most need proper instruction on this subject, is, that they will not hearken to what is said to them — but either follow the leadings of impulse and passion, or look with cool deliberation to the attainment of some selfish end. In either case, mutual unhappiness is the almost inevitable result.
Marriage is the most important event in a man's life, because it brings him into the very closest relationship with another — and therefore subjects him to the disturbance of every incongruous or opposite thing in the character of his new companion. This is one reason, but there are others which are more vital and important, and which can only be understood when there is some knowledge of the true laws which ought to govern in marriage.
These laws have their origin in the distinctive difference which exists, and has existed from creation, between man and woman. This difference does not lie in the mere form of body peculiar to each. It is far more deeply grounded. The difference is in the mental and emotional form; it is, therefore, of a most radical kind. To make the whole subject of this difference clearly comprehended would require a treatise of greater extent than our entire work; and we shall not, therefore, risk misapprehension by the mere enunciation of the conclusions to which such a treatise would bring every reflecting mind.
The main thing to be understood, however, is, that man and woman are so created as to be imperfect, except in marriage union, and therefore that marriage is an orderly state. In man we find a peculiar development of brain — the organ by which the mind acts — that marks his difference from the woman; and in woman there is a peculiar development that marks her difference from the man. In man, the intellectual region shows a larger development, and in woman, that region of the brain by which the affections of the mind come into activity — yet both have intelligence and affection. But the one is a thinking man, and the other a loving man; and, in union, they make one perfect man.
The affections of a man are, as a general thing, guided by his reason; and the reason of a woman, as a general thing, is guided by her affections. Of course, there are exceptions, as in masculine women, so called, and effeminate men; but these are looked upon as social monsters; and it is very well known that they do little to advance society towards a state of true order, although the first class sometimes make a great noise in the world, and do their full share of harm. But only when they unite their mental forces in a just marriage — that is, when, in the marital union, the intelligence of the man and the affection of the woman are also married, and look to one end — is there a perfect man in the world. If this does not take place — and, alas! its occurrence is a rare thing in these times — there will be more or less discord and unhappiness between married partners.
To illustrate this so as to bring it home with some kind of force to even minds not given to close and abstract reflection, we will suppose that a woman, who possesses a fortune, is addressed by a man whom she believes to be high-minded, intelligent, and truly moral. These are what she, as a right-minded woman, can love in a man. After marriage, however, she makes the discovery that it was not for her virtues that she was loved and wooed by this man, but for her wealth; and that, so far from being high-minded and honorable — he is base-minded and dishonorable. Could there possibly be any union of souls between these two people? Could his intelligence and her affections ever blend and become as one mind? No! So long as life lasted, they must be in discord.
And the same will be the case if beauty alone, or the desire to form a respectable or distinguished connection, or any other worldly or selfish motive, be the leading end in a man's mind when he seeks to gain the affections of a woman. No woman believes herself loved for any external grace, accomplishment, or possession, by the man whom she loves in return — but for herself alone. If, after marriage, she discovers that she has been mistaken — from that moment her confidence in her husband is destroyed; and the date of her unhappiness, as well as his own, has commenced. He will find that, notwithstanding she may be faithful to all her duties as a wife, no union of mind takes place, nor can take place; that she will not, and cannot, love his intelligence, nor give him any counsel or strength in the performance of his duties in life. In most things, she will be inclined to differwith rather than agree with him, if matters are referred to her; but, usually, she will be altogether passive in things of general concern, contenting herself with her domestic duties alone. As a consequence, he will grow more and more self-willed; for he must trust to his own reason for everything, unwarmed by the glow of her affections; and her mind will contract itself more and more within its own little sphere, because not drawn out and attended by sympathy with his more widely reaching intelligence — and both will be unhappy.
If a young man would escape these sad consequences, let him shun the rocks upon which so many have made shipwreck. Let him disregard, totally, all considerations of wealth, beauty, external accomplishments, fashion, connections in society, and every other mere selfish and worldly end — and look into the mind and heart of the woman he thinks of marrying. If he cannot love her for herself alone — that is, for all that goes to make up her character as a woman — let him disregard every external inducement, and shun a marriage with her as the greatest evil to which he could be subjected. And if he has in him a spark of virtuous feeling — if he has one unselfish and generous emotion — he will shun such a marriage for the woman's sake also; for it would be sacrificing her happiness as well as his own.
From what is here set forth, every young man can see how vitally important it is for him to make his choice in marriage from a right end. Wealth cannot bring happiness, and is ever in danger of taking to itself wings. Beauty cannot last long where there is grief at the heart. And distinguished connections are a very poor substitute for the pure love of a true woman's heart.
All that has been said refers to the ends which should govern in the choice of a wife. Directions as to the choice itself can only be of a general character; for the circumstances surrounding each one, and the particular circles into which he is thrown, will have specific influences, which will bias the judgment either one way or another. One good rule, it will, however, be well to observe; and that is, to be on your guard against those young ladies who seek evidently to attract your attention. It is unfeminine, and proves that there is something lacking to make up the perfect woman. In retiring modesty you will be far more apt to find the virtues after which you are seeking. A brilliant belle may make a loving, faithful wife and mother; but the chances are somewhat against her, and a prudent young man will satisfy himself well by a close observation of her in private and domestic life, before he makes up his mind to offer her his hand.
But the most we can do, and what we mainly wish to do, in giving precepts for the choice of a wife, has already been done; and that is, to impress upon young men the necessity of acting from right ends. If these are pure, there will be little danger of a mistake. If they be not pure, all particular directions how to choose a wife will be in vain.
To some extent there prevails a disposition to regard marriage as an evil, by those who do not understand its true nature, and who look at the unhappy results which too often flow from it as effects of the institution itself, instead of the abuses. Others, again, speak lightly of the matter, and compare marriage to a lottery, with few prizes and many blanks — and say that the gaining of a prize is always a matter of chance. But the evils and chances all lie in the perverse and selfish ends which govern men in their choice of wives. Let these be corrected, and the whole matter will present a different and brighter aspect.
To the question often asked of young men as to why they do not marry, we sometimes hear the reply, "I am not able to support a wife." In one case out of three, perhaps, this may be so; but as a general thing, the true reply would be, "I am not able to support the style in which I think my wife ought to live." In this, again, we see a false view of marriage; a looking to an appearance in the world — instead of a union with a loving woman for her own sake. There are very few men, of industrious habits, who cannot maintain a wife, if they are willing to live economically, and without reference to the false opinions of the world. The great evil is, that young couples are not content to begin life humbly, to retire together into an obscure position, and together work their way in the world — he by industry in his calling, and she by dispensing, with prudence, the money which he earns. But they must stand out and attract the attention of others by their fine house, fine furniture, and fine clothes, even if debt is incurred, in order to maintain this silly show! As a general thing, we find these men, who do not think themselves able to support a wife, always affected with the same disability.
Although an advocate for early marriages — yet we are no advocate for the dashing out which so often attends them. Even a married couple may save money on a small income, and yet live comfortably enough, if their pride is not too active. And the economical habits thus cultivated, will lay the foundation for future success which would have been sought for in vain, had the young man spent all, or nearly all, he earned for four or five years, waiting until he got able to marry.
In regard to an increase of family, our observation satisfies us, if we looked no further, that increased means will always be the consequences. He who sends children — will help you to take care of them, if you put yourself in the way of being helped.
A married man, if he has right views, will always proceed with more caution than a single man, because more depends upon him; and this is a good reason why he is more certain to advance in the world steadily, if it be slowly.
In regard to early marriages, this may be safely said. If an engagement has been formed, and both parties are willing to live strictly within the limits of the young man's income; and if he, or they between them, have sufficient money to meet all the expenses consequent upon marriage; and, moreover, if there is a prospect of the continuance of his income — let them marry, say we. It will be better for them.
As the natural result of marriage is offspring, and as children inherit from their parents propensities to either good or evil, the same as they inherit physically a tendency to disease or health — the subject assumes a still more serious aspect than any we have yet given it, and exhibits the responsibilities and duties of married partners in a still stronger light. Parents love their children, and seek their good in various ways. They deny themselves many comforts; they toil early and late, and will sometimes risk even life itself for their children.
The evil tendencies which show themselves almost as soon as the mind moves in its first activities — cause them deep grief, for they know that such tendencies, if indulged, will produce unhappiness, and they strive anxiously to repress them, but find the task a difficult and almost impossible one. The error of the parents lies in the fact, that they have commenced the work of reform too late. "Too late," we hear asked, "when it is commenced as soon as the infant mind moves in its first activities." Yes, it is too late; and all that can now be done, will be to repress the evils as they show themselves, and strive, at the same time, to implant opposite good principles, by means of which when these children become men and women they may contend with, and, if they will overcome the evils which they had derived from their parents.
This subject, of the hereditary transmission of good or evil qualities of mind, is one to which but little attention has been paid; and yet it is a matter of great importance. Whatever a man does from principle and a confirmed habit, be it good or evil, orderly or disorderly — that he transmits to his children in a tendency to do the same thing. A man who does not think it wrong to overreach his neighbor in bargaining, must not be surprised if he discovers in his son a tendency to steal, which he tries in vain to correct; nor he who has no regard for truth, wonder why his son should prove a liar. If the father and mother are disorderly in their habits, or passionate, or envious of their neighbors — how is it possible for their children to be otherwise, when the natural and invariable law that "like produces like" is considered?
Why we said the work of reform was commenced too late by parents, may now be clearly seen. We must fight the evils and disorders by which the human race is cursed, in ourown hearts — if we would truly overcome them in our children. If this is not done, the task of correcting their evils will be a painful and difficult, if not an almost impossible one. If we shun the evil of overreaching our neighbor, because it is evil; it falsehood is avoided, and held in abhorrence; if we resist evil tendencies of every kind — we shall do more for our children than if we were to amass for them wealth equal to that of Croesus!
True love of offspring will prompt to the sacrifice of evil principles of all kinds, and the strengthening of good principles as rules of action in the mind of every parent.
To a young man who thinks seriously of marriage, this subject ought to be one of grave consideration. If he would not entail a curse upon his children, let him examine himself well, and begin at once the correction of every evil habit and propensity. If he does not do so, the time may come, when, like David of old, he will exclaim, "O Absalom! my son! my son! O that I had died in your stead!"
Conclusion
The reading of a book like this will do a young man but little good, if he throws it down without seriously reflecting upon its contents. He must consider the truths it teaches as truths for his guidance, as well as for the guidance of others. The views here taken of life are too important to be lightly passed by. They are of vital interest both to the individual and the community. The elevation of society depends mainly upon the reception of right principles by the young. Those who have attained to some age, from feeling the consequences of their own ignorance and errors in the outset of life, can give wiser precepts to the young than they themselves received when they stepped boldly forth, proud in their new-felt freedom and power. There will always be some ready to listen to and act upon these precepts, and they will elevate the standard of right feeling and acting in their generation. The greater the number of those who act from these wiser precepts — the more decided will be their influence, and the higher, in consequence, will rise the generation to which they belong. Thus will society advance towards perfection with a slow but certain progress.
From this view, every young man can see how great is the responsibility resting upon him as an individual. If he commences with right principles as his guide — that is, if in every action he has regard to the good of the whole, as well as to his own good — he will not only secure his own well-being, but aid in the general advancement towards a state of order. But if he disregards all the precepts of experience and reason, and follows only the impulses of his evil appetites and passions, he will retard the general return to true order, and secure for himself that unhappiness in the future which is the invariable consequence of all violations of natural or divine laws.
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