Keeping up Appearances CHAPTER 17.
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The one pound that Annetta had received from Mr. Lewis, was added to the four she had received for her needlework. Still there was a deficiency of five pounds in the sum required to pay the rent, which fell due on the next day. This was made up by a further sacrifice of jewelry, such as breast-pins, bracelets, lockets, etc, including a costly diamond ring — about fourteen pounds worth, for which six were received.
After parting with Mr. Lewis, Annetta felt very unhappy. Her mother, on hearing a relation of what had occurred, only regretted the smallness of the sum received for the work; at the same time that she complimented Annetta on her self-possession, and the adroitness with which she had hushed all suspicion in her lover's mind; but Annetta could think of little else but the deliberate falsehood she had uttered, and the mortifying fact that she had received, from Mr. Lewis, under a false pretense — money about to be used for her own and mother's benefit! This distressed and humbled her. It was a fact she could never own, even if she should be so fortunate as to become his wife; and unconfessed, she felt that it would ever be in her bosom as a rankling sore, and make her feel that she was unworthy of his open, manly, and honest love.
The sad experiences of a false position, into which their folly had betrayed them, were beginning to give to the mind of Annetta a perception of the truth, that happiness cannot always come from a mere external condition. Even as the wife of Mr. Lewis, she felt that she could not now be happy, for she had deceived him in word and in act, and could never feel that she was worthy to possess his confidence and love. This falling, as it were, of scales from her eyes, and opening them to new light, though attended with exquisite pain, was, certainly, an advancement in her moral state. She was wiser, though made so by suffering — the sad process by which we all learn wisdom in life's school — and the hope is, that she was better, at least so far as sincere repentance, and a desire, not yet strong enough to express itself in good resolutions, may be called being better.
After tea, Annetta went into the parlor to await the coming of Mr. Lewis. In parting with her at the door, he had said — "I shall probably see you this evening." There was something in the tone and manner in which these few words were spoken, involving the idea that he would probably have something particular to communicate. Thus they impressed themselves upon the mind of Annetta, and she felt that, in all probability, the long hoped for, and anxiously awaited proposal would be made. In view of this, her heart did not flutter as it would have fluttered a few months before. She felt, instead of elated, sad and humbled; for now there seemed to be a mirror before her, turn where she would, in which she saw herself reflected, not an image of beauty and loveliness — but of deformity, from which everyone who could see her as she really was, must shrink with disgust.
When she thought of the boldness with which she had spoken words that were false to Mr. Lewis, and that, too, to deceive him as to her own and her mother's real condition, she shrank from the idea of meeting him, and felt as if she would not be able to look him in the face, when he came.
At length, as time wore away, and his arrival was still delayed, her state of mind gradually changed, and she began to fear that he would not come at all. This fear, the lapsing minutes, as one after another went hurrying by, confirmed more and more, until certainty finally assumed the place of doubt. And now, the calmness of oppression, self-reproach, and vain regrets — were swept away by the turbulence of other emotions. What could this mean? Why did he not come as he had promised? Had his suspicions been aroused? Had the truth of their position been in any way revealed to him? These were questions that followed each other in quick and varying succession, and threw her mind into a state of anxious excitement.
That night she dreamed that Mr. Lewis came to her, and made an offer of his hand and his heart, which she was about accepting with joy, when her lover was transformed into the lace dealer, who said, "Don't bring any more of your needlework here; I wouldn't have it in my shop!"
She awoke sobbing. Again she slept, and dreamed of gold watches, silverware, furniture, auctions, and the police, amid all of which, ever and anon, appeared the face of her lover, now smiling, and now dark with angry frowns; her mind suffering all the while from a dread of impending evil. Thus the night passed, and the morning found her with an aching head, exhausted mind, and feelings of the deepest depression.
Before twelve o'clock, the landlord's bill came in and was paid. The collector asked for the money as if he did not expect to receive it, and looked surprised when the amount was offered.
Discouraging as had been the result of Annetta's long-continued and wearisome toil, she resumed her tasks, and patiently went on with them, with a presentiment, as she did so, that they were to be life-tasks. Her mother said a good deal in the way of conjecture as to the reason why Mr. Lewis had not made his appearance on the night before; but Annetta was silent. She had not the heart to reply in any form of words, nor to utter a syllable on the subject. She felt as if she ought neither to speak of him nor think of him as anything to her.
Days went by, and yet Mr. Lewis did not make her a visit. Sometimes Annetta's feelings would become almost agonized by doubt, fear, and suspense; and then they would sink down again into wavelessness and gloom. Thus the time passed — days following steadily one another, until weeks could be counted; and weeks accumulating, until their aggregate could be set down in months. But, from the time Arthur Lewis parted from Annetta at the door of her mother's house, he came not back again.
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