Due Benevolence
Those who are married and born again concerning how to work out difficulties in marriage. Difficulties are inevitable in marriage. Yes, Jesus unites your spirits together and in the Spirit you are complete. In the spirit marriage is wonderful, but joining together of the flesh is what gets difficult.
Beginning in verse 3 it says, "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and like wise a / so the wife unto the husband." The word "render" in this verse means "to give". What is each partner to give to the other? He is to give "due benevolence." What you are giving to each other you owe to each other. "Benevolence" is a very interesting word. It is found only one other place in the New Testament. It is the word "eunoia" and it is a compound word.
The word "en" means "good" and the word "noia" is the word for "mind". This verse is saying that what you owe each other is grace thinking - the ability to think before you act. Let me tell you something men, you are not great lovers because of your broad shoulders, your big muscles, your wavy hair, your golden brown complexion, your Mercedes convertible - none of these are what makes a good lover. A good lover is a good lover because he has a brain between his two ears. Love is first a mental attitude. It says in this verse that the mental attitude of love is owed to each other. The Bible calls it your dues.
Verse 3 says that you think of your wife first. Verses 4 & 5 continue, "The wife hath not power, (authority), of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power, (authority), over his own body, but the wife. Defraudye not, (stop depriving), one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer: and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinence, (lack of self-control)".
Most people think that when they get married they will just do what comes natural. Marriage is not something that just comes natural because we are clothed with flesh. You have to be trained on how to love - how to think properly in marriage. I want to talk first to husbands. What does love-making mean to a woman? Men, let me give you a few points. Believe me, this is not an exhausted list. I want to give you 5 areas that you should know about your wife - things that she needs.
First, a woman needs companionship. She looks at marriage not as temporary companionship, but as a life long relationship. Men are built differently than women. A man needs to understand that and offer companionship to that woman. She did not marry you for occasional companionship. Men if your job takes you away from the home a lot, believe God for a different job. She needs you. It becomes difficult on a relationship when there is a lot of separation. In fact, the Word of God says from the Old Testament that when a man and a woman got married, they both took a year off for a honeymoon to get to know each other.
When a man has to be at work around people all day long, he is usually looking forward to a little time alone. However, he is met at the door by a woman who needs companionship and wants to talk. Men, if you understand a woman's need for companionship, you will spend a lot less time in front of the television and behind the newspaper. She needs your companionship. It is not always having to think of something to say. Just being there can be companionship. Secondly, a woman needs compassionate love. Women are compassionate. When the baby cries at 2:30 in the morning, guess who usually gets up? - the mother. She is usually the first one to wake up. Women have compassionate love. You see, women are always drawn to that which is helpless.
They want to give help. It seems like a man always wants something that helps him. Because a woman gives out so much, there are times when she needs compassion herself. She needs a man that will understand that. There are times when a woman just goes through a mood. There was a time when I could not understand or figure out my wife at all. A woman goes
through moods and she does not know what is wrong. A man comes along with all of his logic saying, "tell me what's wrong." What she does not need is a psyche-analyst. All she needs at that time is for a man to be there. Husbands, your wives need companionship love and your wife needs compassionate love. Third, a woman needs romantic love. Women are romantic at heart. A woman needs romance. She needs nights away from the kids. She needs time when you just take her out by herself - take her to a restaurant some I night.
Husbands, your wives need companionship love.
She needs time with you. She needs the flowers. No matter what you do, put some romance in it. Take her hand while walking across the street. Just to take her arm and open the car door for her puts romance back into that marriage. It is not the big things a woman needs, it is the small things. The small things will help her appreciate the big things you can do for her.
Fourth, she needs affectionate love. There are times when she just needs to be held. Not talked to, not trying to figure out what is wrong - just to be held. In fact, I call this more than affectionate love - it is protectorate love. She needs to be protected and feel protected. She needs your uplifting - your words.
Finally, number five, women need passionate love. A woman can produce passionate love but, number five can only be given when the first four are met. A woman cannot just instantly give passionate love. She needs to be built up to it. A man is different. Women are different. Women are usually surprised to find out how little it takes to turn a man on - a knee cap will do, just taking about it will do. In fact, just thinking about it will do. A man needs to learn to control that and flow with the woman, so that not only will his satisfaction be greater, but she will also be satisfied. A woman desires as much as a man, but she
has to have these other conditions met first.
Now, what should the wife know? First, she should know that men are aggressors and that they have a sex drive. Much of the man's life is seen through the eyes of his sex drive. His sex drive dominates him in many areas. When he is satisfied sexually, you will find a man that is productive in many other areas. Many times a woman appreciates it when her husband aggressively takes over leadership in the home. She appreciates it when he aggressively goes out and searches for a job. When it is not a good job, the woman appreciates that he aggressively keeps seeking, praying to the Lord and finding a good job so that he can provide for that family. But, then she does not appreciate it when he is so aggressive in sex. You cannot have one without the other. God has designed a man to be an aggressor in all areas.
Therefore, secondly, the husband is fulfilled by sex. Again, as he learns to flow with the woman, his satisfaction increases. Men have big egos and they need to be petted once in awhile. Men are just big boys. They are still a little boy on the inside with a big body on the outside. Man's ego is not wrong. God put it there. It is wrong only when the ego becomes puffed up with pride. Man's self-esteem is very, very important to him. Therefore, when the woman refuses him time after time with all kinds of excuses, he will begin to examine himself.
He will label himself a failure in the home and his feeling of failures will extend to all areas of his life. A man needs to know that his woman is behind him. Many men have the idea that a woman makes love to him out of a sense of duty or obligation. But, when the woman lets it be freely known that she loves him, it enhances his ego and his self-image and he becomes increasingly more happy. This reduces friction in his life and in the home. Many friction's in the home can be related to the fact that the husband and wife do not get along sexually together. When a husband becomes content, his contentment will spread into the family, to the wife and to the children. Let's look again at verse 3. It says, "Let the husband render (or give unto) the wife due benevolence (grace thinking)". Think before you act. Notice, the husband is mentioned first. Why? Because he is the one that least wants to think first. He just wants to act.
Verse 4 continues, "the wife hath not power, (authority), over her own body but the husband does, and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife." Most commentaries say that this verse is telling you not to withhold sex from each other.
Verse 5 says, "Defraudye not one the other". The New American standard renders it this way, "Stop depriving one another, quit withholding one from the other. "
I have had many people write me and ask questions concerning masturbation. The world is discussing it today. The are books out on the subject and nearly every book condones it. The world says it is an alternative. Once, when we were in California I read an article about marriage and it said that some 56% of the married people polled in one large area masturbated. There is something wrong with those marriages when that is an alternative, even in marriage. The article went on to talk about an even higher number of singles that masturbated. Yet, when you pick up Christian books on that subject they almost universally say the same thing - "The Bible does not say anything about it." I beg your pardon - the Bible does say something about it. The wife does not have authority over her own body and the husband does not have authority over his own body. Your body belongs to your mate. That is what this verse is talking about.
God has designed the man to be an aggressor in all areas.
Verse 5 says, " Defraud ye not one the other except it be with consent for a time that ye may give yourself to fasting and prayer. " This is simply saying not to withhold from each other - communicate
with each other. The whole secret of marriage is communication. It says again in Verse 5, "except it be with consent that you may give yourself to fasting and prayer.
Why in the world would you suddenly, by consent, not have relations with each other to give yourself to prayer? Because you have a problem. Marriages have problems. The way to settle problems is not by pulling back, but by getting in agreement and going before the Lord in prayer. That verse does not say if you are having problems give yourself to counsellors. It says give yourself to prayer. If most married couples gave as much time to prayer as they do seeking counsellors they would have some of the finest marriages around. You have the Counsellor on the inside of you and his name is the Holy Spirit.
You have God the Father who invented marriage. Don't you think that He would know a whole lot more than any counsellor you can find? I have found in many cases that people are not looking for counsel rather, they are looking for the counsellor to agree with them against their mate. The best way to get rid of the problems in your life is by taking them to the Lord. If married couples who are having problems would give themselves to 15 minutes a day in prayer over that problem, side-by-side, on their knees together, I guarantee God will answer that need and it will not take long.
That verse says again, "Stop depriving one another except if be with consent for a time that we may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. " The word "fasting" does not appear in the Greek. The Amplified simply calls it "unhindered prayer" and says "and come together again that Satan Tempt you not for lack of self-control. " God has given you, two of the greatest tools to settle any situation, including marriage, and those are His Word and prayer. The Word of God has a lot to say on marriage, but it not only takes knowledge of the Word, but it takes prayer as well. Prayer activates that knowledge in you. There is nothing like prayer to help you to see by the Spirit of God, that you are as much to blame as your mate. God wants successful marriages. God did not make anything that is not a success. He made you. He did not plan for you to be anything but successful.
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