Dealing With Bitterness

As I have counselled hurting people over the past three decades, I have helped them discover bitter roots they had been nurturing for weeks, months, and often years. We can be bitter and hide it from the rest of the world by disguising it as various other attitudes. We express bitterness in our lives in a number of ways-anger, passion, slander, malice. But we cannot hide our bitterness from God, or even from our own bodies.

Bitterness is never constructive; bitterness is always destructive. It doesn't make any difference what people have done to us or how bad it was or how often they did it. Bitterness as a response to wrongdoing is never acceptable before God. Nothing good ever comes from bitterness.... We tend to think, however, that individual, personal circumstances are clearly exceptions.... Bitterness can be "justified" so easily. Well, I have a right to be bitter. He knew I was after that account, and just when I was about to close the deal, he lied about my qualifications. That cost me a bundle, and I'm sure not going to smile and say it's okay. He hurt me, and he's not going to get away with it.

But we must be careful not to allow bitterness to take root in our lives. As a root has fine tentacles that reach out for moisture in order to grow, just so does a root of bitterness have tentacles that reach out. The root of bitterness needs feed back, little evidences of its right for existence, in order to grow. It is fed by our misconceived notions that we have a "right" to feel bitter. But the truth is that believers have no right to respond with bitterness....

THE EFFECTS OF BITTERNESS

Causes trouble and by it many be defiled. We may not even be consciously aware that we are nursing bitter feelings, but the effects of bitterness are subtle and many.

Physical Illnesses

A friend of mine is a fine man and a fine pastor who loves God. His wife had cancer and they sought the best medical help. I'll call them the Browns. The doctor, who had been studying the relationship between cancer and negative emotions, began to work with Mrs. Brown. He went to see her every day, and every day he would try to get her to talk about her past. Week after week. He tried his best to get her to cry. She wouldn't cry.

She couldn't cry. Somehow, there simply was nothing to cry about. But the doctor and Mrs. Brown kept on talking. And one day, in the midst of their conversation, she began to cry. As the tears gushed out, she confessed bitterness toward her parents for something that had happened years ago. When she got it all out, she was freed, liberated, and forgiven. Today Mrs. Brown stands by her husband's side with love and support for his ministry. It is the doctor's opinion that she would not have recovered had she not rid herself of bitterness.... It is impossible to be bitter very long without affecting our bodies. More and more, medical professionals are beginning to see some kind of link between the way our bodies function and the way we think. Bitterness, anger, and other negative emotions have been associated with glandular problems, high blood pressure, cardiac disorders, ulcers, and a host of other physical ailments.

Stained Relationships

Bitterness causes one person trouble and defiles others. As used in Hebrews 12:15, the Greek word for defile (miaino) means "to stain" or "to dye" The bitterness we nourish will stain our relationships. This is one reason why there are so many separations, divorces, and broken homes.

A young couple-John and Linda-got married. Unbeknown to either, John came into the marriage with a root of bitterness. Linda tried to love him, but in spite of all her attempts, she couldn't get through to him. She just could not tunnel through John's hardened emotional wall. It had been there for years-ever since he was twelve and his mother had died. Throughout his growing years, John had camouflaged his bitterness. He had been successful in keeping it well hidden until after his marriage. Then when Linda settled into marriage and began to be herself, all of a sudden she was facing a marriage partner whom she loved dearly but could not communicate with. John couldn't let down his defences. He couldn't be himself.

Linda and John tried to discover their problem. Why did he feel the way he did? Why couldn't he return Linda's love? Even John didn't know why he was unable to love. Where did it all start? Why can't I love? Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I be myself? Why can't I relax? Why do I have this stress? Why am I critical? Why am I negative about things? What is going on in my life? John wasn't able to raise the mental blinds and discover the source of his problem-bitterness. He was angry with his mother, and his bitterness toward her was staining his marriage.

Much of the time the cause of such problems is found to be an unforgiving spirit that has taken bitter root. As in John and Linda's case, John couldn't forgive his mother for dying and leaving him. Bitterness can paralyse us. Even when we genuinely want to love another person, we can't. It is not that we don't want to. simply can't. Parents wonder why they can't love their children. Children wonder why they can't love their parents. Husbands and wives wonder why they can't love their spouses, why they can't break through the barrier. But deep inside, they may find themselves infected by roots of bitterness and resentment, even simmering hatred....

Bitterness has so many little sprouts to it. Distrust is one of them. Insecurity is another. When the Bible says "see to it that . . . no root of bitterness (springs) up," it is because the consequences are awesome and ongoing.

Spiritual Stumbling Blocks

Bitterness creates a cloak of guilt. We know we shouldn't feel the way we do toward others, and we know God doesn't want us to be full of resentment. And, our reasoning goes, if God isn't pleased with us, how can He accept us? We sense a barrier between God and us and begin to doubt our salvation. How in the world are we going to be secure in our salvation when this turmoil, this civil war, is constantly going on? Bitterness also hinders our influence for Christ. What kind of a Christian testimony can we have if we are bitter toward God and toward our neighbours? How can we convincingly talk to others about the forgiveness of God when we refuse to forgive those who have wronged us? When we allow bitterness to take over our lives, that bitterness spills over into the lives of those around us.

...Not long ago I sat down with my two children, Andy and Becky, and asked if they had resentful feelings toward me for any wrong I had perpetrated. At the time, they were both in their twenties, and so they felt freer to talk openly and honestly. Andy was the first to respond. He recalled a time when he was thirteen or fourteen and was practising one part of a song. Over and over, the same melody. I asked him if that was all he knew. Andy recalled that to his adolescent ears, my words sounded like I was saying, "I don't like you or your music." That damaging impression caused him to decide not to play any music for me again, even though he was a talented musician. Becky had her memory, too. "W I was five years old, we lived in Miami. One day you put me in my room and you wouldn't let me out. I cried and cried, but you wouldn't let me out."

I asked their forgiveness on both matters, as well as on a few others. What I had quickly said and done and just as quickly forgotten, Andy and Becky had not forgotten. I had gone on for years without knowing that I had hurt them.

How many of us harbour those little things that caused us to feel rejected? How many of us today are angry adults because we don't feel loved? As we think of those who have hurt us or wronged us, we need to deal with those feelings. Some things may have been said or done long ago, so long ago that we don't think we feel their sting any more, but our thoughts are affected. An unforgiving spirit is a devastating emotion that none of us can afford....

GETTING RID OF BITTERNESS

Getting rid of bitterness is a step-by-step process that leads toward emotional liberation and spiritual freedom. The steps are simple. As you are reading this, the face of someone toward whom you feel bitter has probably come to mind. Keep that person (or persons) in mind as you continue.

Make a list of the ways in which that person has offended you. Make a list of your own faults. Make a list of things you have done for which God has forgiven you. Ask God to help you view that person who has wronged you as a tool in the hand of God.

Ask God to forgive you for your bitterness toward that person. Decide in your heart to assume total responsibility for your attitude. If you feel it is appropriate, and will not cause more problems than it solves, go to that person, confess your bitterness, and ask for forgiveness. Remember you are assuming the responsibility for your attitude; you are not trying to solicit repentance.

We have but two choices. We can allow bitterness to destroy us, or we can allow God to develop us into the persons He wants us to be. We must choose to view our circumstances and hurts as tools to be used by God to further develop our spiritual lives.