Conduct among Men.
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Thrown, of necessity, among men of all characters, habits, and professions, a young man will often find himself in circumstances that require him to act without his being able to see clearly, at first, how he should act. He will also find himself so situated at times, that, do as he may, offence will be given. All that is required, in cases like these, is to act from honorable principles; that is, to regard truth, right, and justice. Mere personal considerations, as how this one or that one may feel, think, or act, ought not to be regarded, when truth, right, or justice, is concerned. Nor should personal consequences be taken into account, where a principle of integrity is involved. Let every man do right, according to the honest dictates of his reason, and he has nothing to fear.
It should be settled as a principle in the mind of everyone, in his fellowship among men, never, by word, act, or smile, to countenance vice, or encourage that despicable spirit which finds delight in seeking out and magnifying the faults of others. If a young friend indulges in obscene remarks, do not laugh at him, but rather seek to change the subject of discourse. If he takes more freedom, and speaks of his immoralities, censure them as wrong without a moment's flinching from your duty, and do it with a degree of seriousness that will make him feel that you are in earnest. By an opposite course — you will encourage vice; but by this you may help a friend to shun evils, that, if indulged in, will debase his mind, and make his influence in society a curse instead of a blessing.
As for men of confirmed bad habits and principles, make it a point to have no more intimate fellowship with them than what comes in the way of business. If you do, you are not only in some danger yourself, but you endorse them as virtuous men, thus approving their characters to those who do not know them, and who may be led astray by their influence.
Let every young man, in stepping out upon the world's arena, consider well the principles upon which he ought to act in common society. Let him look to what is right — more than to what is expedient. Let him try to forget himself, when called upon to act, in a consideration of what is due to others on the abstract principles of justice. He need not fear that such conduct will be ever bringing him into unpleasant collision with others — although this may sometimes be the case — for the truth of his character will soon be seen, felt, and appreciated. The good will confide in his integrity — and the bad will respect him. He will be known in the community as an honest and honorable man, and this character will sustain him in any trial he may find it necessary to endure for the sake of right.
Deference to age, superior wisdom, and station in society, may be observed without a young man's violating his self-respect, or showing any undue regard for mere conventional forms. The failure to do so arises from a false notion of one's own importance. Real worth is modest, and always ready to defer to others; in fact, often too much so, in society, for the general good, while shallow conceit is ever thrusting itself rudely forward, and occupying the place of wiser and better men.
There should always be respect and deference to age and superior wisdom, for reasons that everyone perceives and understands; and this should also be shown to those who occupy elevated stations in society, as representatives of the common good. The deference ought not to be paid to the person, but to the office. The office is one established for the good of the many, and whoever fills it ought to seek the common good, and should have respect and deference because he does do so, or is supposed to do so. He may be a bad officer, but still the office is good; and while he fills it, he should have respect for the sake of the office, lest that come to be disregarded, or lightly thought of, in the community. Of course, a mere deference to rank or station, for the sake of being noticed by those who hold elevated positions, and thence being thought of as important, or for the purpose of attaining some selfish end, is wrong.
A young man, when he first enters society, should think much, observe accurately, and say little. By this means he will learn far more than if he were forward and talkative; and when he does express his opinions, they will have their due weight. It is a mistake which very many fall into, when they first take their place among men, that they know a great deal more than most people whom they meet, because there are not many who talk freely, or think it necessary to tell all they know; but in time they begin to learn that the most of their knowledge of men and things was only in the memory, while those they deemed dull or superficial had lived and felt in the world, until their lips had become well near sealed in silence.
A modest deportment is that which best befits a young man when in the company of those who are older than himself. They may not have as much of certain kinds of knowledge as he has; but they are far more learned in the book of human life, and can teach him many a lesson that it will be good for him to learn. How often does the forwardness, confidence, and dogmatism of a young man, cause a quiet smile to rest upon the lips of his seniors! It is, therefore, wiser for a young man to think, observe, and question, but to make up his opinions with caution, and not be too free about expressing them. For it is more than probable, that a few years will show him the fallacy of nearly all his first conclusions.
One of the first things which a young man will notice in those into whose society he is thrown, will be a habit of detraction. When allusion is made to an absent person — some censorious remark will follow; or there may possibly be allegations made, touching, remotely, his integrity; though these will, in general, be exceedingly guarded, yet sufficiently plain to create a prejudice in any honest mind.
We would give a double caution on this subject — first, not to believe much of what may be alleged against the absent; and second, to be exceedingly careful not to repeatanything that has been said, and for two reasons — lest injustice be done to an innocent person, and lest your remark should reach the ear of the party traduced, and you be called upon to prove the allegations, which you might find it very difficult to do. If possible, never be a party in the petty misunderstandings that are of too frequent occurrence, growing out of serious or unimportant charges made against one individual by another, from malice, or a foolish habit of repeating everything that is said. Some people are always involved in troubles of this kind. The best way to avoid them is, to make it a rule of conduct never to say anything against another, except for the purpose of guarding those who are likely to be injured by a corrupt or dishonest person. Whenever an utterance of what you know to be the truth, will do this, your duty is a plain one; you must tell the truth, and be willing to take the consequences.
If a misunderstanding occurs between you and another, seek an explanation immediately. Do not stop to listen to the plausible suggestions of your pride, but go at once to the party, and have a clear understanding of the point of difference. In nine cases in ten, you will find that no real cause for the difficulty exists. Either he or you has misconceived the other's words or actions; or something either you or he has said has been repeated with offensive additions. This is always a trouble worth taking. Even if it does not result in settling the difficulty, it enables you to understand exactly the cause of the unhappy estrangement; and this is some little satisfaction.
More serious consequences than a simple closing of friendly fellowship need not occur, except in very extreme cases. But, sometimes, it will happen that you are obliged to do more than merely give up the acquaintance of an individual; justice to others may require the exposure of something said or done by an unprincipled individual, by which he becomes your enemy. Such a person will, as a general thing, seek to injure you in all possible ways by false representations. The best antidote to all he may say, is a blameless life. This will be your best justification in the community. The character of every man makes a certain impression, and if anything not in accordance with this impression be said against him, it is never fully believed. Still, anyone will suffer more or less in the good opinion of society, if an evil-minded person industriously circulates false accusations against him; and proper means should be used to silence him, if his charges amount to dishonesty or immoral conduct. This may sometimes be done by demanding an interview in the presence of mutual friends, and then requiring proof of his allegations, or a denial of them.
A common traducer is generally exceedingly tender of his own reputation; while he calls into activity a very whirlwind of evil accusations against others, the first breath of censure that falls upon his own fair fame disturbs him to the very center. Once convict such a person, before witnesses, of having made false accusations against you, and you not only strip him of power to do you much injury in the future, but make him exceedingly cautious about what he says of one who has the nerve and decision to call him to an account for what his malignant spirit may cause him to say.
Pride and a hasty temper occasion disagreements of the most serious character, and often bring into open hostility those who have once been the warmest friends. No immorality of conduct, no departure from integrity, no wrong lies at the foundation of the unhappy disagreement. An insult has been given; but whether intentional or unintentional, it is often hard to make out; and the party really insulted, or only imagining himself to be so, has flung back the outrage into the other's face with maddening violence.
This occurs on the instant, between perfect strangers as well as between intimate friends; and too often the final result is angry antagonisms. Instead of the parties themselves meeting for the purpose of ascertaining precisely the feelings and intentions of each other, and learning whether an insult were really intended — the insult is taken for granted, and mutual friends are called in to obtain formal and specific retractions of things said and done. These friends hold, as they imagine, the honor of their respective principals in pledge, and each requires of the antagonist party greater concessions and acknowledgments than he can feel it possible for him to make under such circumstances; and thus the breach is made wider instead of being healed, as it would be, in nine cases in ten, it one or the other of the parties themselves had sought for and obtained a personal interview.
We remember seeing two people, perfect strangers to each other, come into collision from a supposed insult, where it was clear none was intended. It occurred, strangely enough, at a lecture given to young men on their right conduct in life. The room was so much crowded that all could not find seats, and near the door a number were standing. They were arranged against and near the wall, leaving a space of some yards between them and the first row of seats. A young man, who had been sitting for about one-half of the time occupied by the lecture, generously arose, and, stepping across the vacant space to where another young man was standing, offered him his seat. In doing this, the eyes of a number were necessarily fixed upon him. Instead of promptly accepting the offer when so much trouble had been taken, the individual standing declined doing so, and did it in a manner that was felt to be particularly offensive, although no offence could have been meant. Be that as it may, the young man retired to his seat in anger and mortification, and instead of resting satisfied in reflecting that what he had done was a generous offer of self-denial for the sake of another, and that no gentleman could wantonly insult one who thus acted towards him, he brooded over what had occurred during the whole time the lecture continued, and finally brought himself to the conclusion that he had been grossly insulted in public, and that nothing remained for him to do, but to demand satisfaction. Accordingly, the moment the lecture closed, he stepped hastily up to the young man, and, with intemperate warmth, in the midst of a crowd of both ladies and gentlemen, abruptly and insultingly demanded an explanation of his conduct. Surprised, yet indignant, at being thus rudely, and, as he felt, causelessly assailed, the other replied in about the same spirit as that in which he had been addressed. Blows were about to be exchanged, when others interfered — and the belligerents parted in mutual anger. As the parties were strangers to us, we saw no more of them, and presume that no exchange of shots took place in consequence, as the newspapers at the time did not chronicle any such event.
In this we see a fair specimen of the origin, or what might be appropriately called the causeless cause, of duels. It is no more than probable that the mind of the young man, who was standing during the lecture, had become so much interested in the discourse as not to be clearly conscious of what he did when his attention was disturbed by the kind offer of the other to give him up his seat; and it is not at all improbable that he saw a moment after it was too late, that he had acted with little less than rudeness to a stranger, and meditated an apology as soon as the lecture closed. But all these better impulses were destroyed by a sudden and rude assault, for which there was no kind of justification.
It usually happens that the person who imagines himself insulted, makes a reconciliation difficult, if not almost impossible, by offering in return a real insult, and then insisting upon acknowledgments and retractions from the other, while he never dreams of making an apology for his own conduct.
It almost always happens, in matters of this kind, that both parties are to some extent to blame, and all difficulty may at once be arrested, if either party will reflect carefully upon his own conduct, and determine to make an acknowledgment of the thing in which he has wronged the other. This should be done as a matter of simple justice, spite of all inflammatory suggestions of false pride. Because another has wronged you, or insulted you, does that justify your wrongs or insults? You imperiously demand of another an apology for what he has done or said, and yet are not willing to offer an apology for your own conduct. First do what you require of him, and depend upon it, you will not find him backward in confession of error, or a readiness to throw over the unhappy past the mantle of oblivion. To do this is not disgraceful, but honorable and magnanimous. It is a triumph of reason over passion, of right over false pride and a morbid self-esteem.
If it should happen that a misunderstanding takes place with a young friend and another, and he calls upon you to confer with the friend of the offending or offended party for the settlement of the difficulty, do not hesitate about accepting the office of mediator, but, in doing so, let it be with the determination to heal, not widen the breach. Your first duty will be to hear from your friend a full statement of all the facts in the case, and then get from the friend of the other party all that he has to allege against the person you represent.Honestly, conscientiously, and impartially weigh all the circumstances, without any personal bias whatever; and if you are satisfied that your friend has done wrong, tell him so, and insist upon his acknowledging that wrong as a most imperative duty. This he may do without dishonor: to refuse to do so would be dishonorable in the highest degree, for it would be a refusal to repair a wrong, which, if not done, may lead on to the most direful consequences. The other party may have done wrong, and be just as conscious of it; butpride may keep back its confession. The acknowledgment of your friend will be almost sure, if made in the right spirit, to bring back a fuller and more hearty acknowledgment of wrong from the opposite party, and then the work of reconciliation will be easy.
Truly magnanimous conduct is that which involves self-sacrifice of some kind for the good of others. Nothing is so hard to sacrifice as false pride; yet the conquest is always a noble one, for it is made for the good of others. As a third party to any unhappy difference, be most careful to avoid anything calculated to inflame the pride of your friend; lead him rather to reflect more upon what he has himself said and done, than upon the wrongs that he has suffered from the other. This will give reason a chance to act, and help him to see what it is his duty to do, as well as his pleasure to require of another. The great barrier that interposes itself in serious difficulties of this kind, is the disposition manifested by the belligerent parties to exact concessions, but to make none; and in this they are too often encouraged by the friends who have been chosen to represent them.
A resort to deadly weapons, for the purpose of settling a difficulty, is in no case justifiable, the custom being founded upon false pride and a false idea of honor. As the principal in a difficulty, your duty is to seek by all right means to satisfy the individual to whom you have given offence, that it was not your intention to insult him, or that you had been led away by passion to say or do something that in your cooler moments you would not have said or done; the supposition is, that you, under no provocation, would seek redress by a resort to dueling. If this will not satisfy, and there is a clear determination evinced to force you into a deadly conflict, make a firm resolution to refuse to accept a challenge, and abide by that resolution. You have no more right to take the life of another, than to give up your own.
Most men who fight duels are urged on to do so as much by the fear of being branded with cowardice as from inflamed passions. But the truth is, it is cowardice, and not courage, that makes them fight. They are afraid of the unjust censure of the world; they are afraid to do right, lest it be called wrong. The truly brave man, is ever ready to suffer martyrdom for the sake of truth, whether he is burned at the stake, or immolated at the shrine of a hasty and false-judging public.
As to dueling itself, or a resort to deadly weapons for the purpose of settling a difficulty, a moment's cool reflection must satisfy anyone that it is a most absurd practice, to say nothing of the fatal wrong that it too often inflicts upon society. There is nothing in it that tends to ennoble the human mind, but rather to debase it. In nothing that appertains to the duel is there anything of generous regard to another's good — of noble self-sacrifice — of manly effort to raise the common standard of virtue; but, instead, there is a narrow and blinding regard for self, and a trampling under foot of the noble and manly spirit of forgiveness. Self, and only self, rules. And what is gained by the combat? One of the parties may be killed; but does that make the other a better man? It may gratify his malignant spirit of revenge, it is true; but that makes him more the child of Hell than of Heaven; and man's true destiny is Heaven, and his right employment here a preparation for this high estate.
Society has claims upon every man, which he is bound to meet. His life is not, therefore, his own to fling away at pleasure. To do so, is to act unjustly; and will this make a man any more honorable?
From such considerations, it is clear that a man may not only refuse a challenge to mortal combat without disgrace, but it is also clear that to accept such a challenge is both dishonorable and disgraceful; for it involves a wrong to society, and encourages a practice that is cruel, and therefore of Hellish origin.
We have dwelt upon the reprehensible practice of dueling, because it is an evil that still exists in society, and because every high-spirited, quick tempered young man is liable to get himself into difficulties with other young men of like temperament. Reason is given to all as a guide in life, and this teaches that there is only one thing to do in such a case; and that is, to repair the wrong done, no matter at how great a sacrifice of feeling and pride. This is every man's plain duty. If another offers you an insult, and refuses to withdraw it — shooting him is certainly an evil mode of redress. The feeling that could prompt you to do so, could be nothing less than revenge.
Someone has very forcibly said, in referring to matters of this kind, "A gentleman will not insult me; none other can." This is sensible doctrine; and if men had sufficient firmness to act upon it in all cases, there would be no duels.
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