COUNTERFEIT CHRISTIAN SERVICE

The heart of toxic love’s deception is found in the fact that much of the behaviour we just described sounds so much like Christian love. In congrega­tions of all denominations, one can find pastors who operate from this mindset, along with those who hold positions of key leadership. Tragically, works that are a product of toxic love are portrayed in many churches as being humble, wrought by selfless servants of the church. But toxic love is the coun­terfeit of humility and service.

Larry

I remember Larry, who poured out his heart to me while I was visiting his mission station in West Africa. When we talked about his understanding of serving God and why he was in Africa at all, his problem became obvious. He had little or no concept of a God who loved him simply because he was alive. He sincerely believed he had to do some­thing great and keep up the performance in order to be worthy of God’s love.

He told me of the missionary meeting in Texas, where he answered the appeal to volunteer as a mis­sionary. The speaker that night passionately outlined the great need and the few workers, if any, to fill the opportunities. He ended by asking, “if you don’t go, who will?” Larry decided to volunteer and walked forward to the front of the church along with a handful of others. Through the prayer which fol­lowed, and the closing words of the speaker, he felt that his decision had earned him a place in God’s elite.

He had lived on this feeling until after he had been in Africa a few months. At that time, the heat, the living conditions, the infighting among the other missionaries, and the fact that he had not even begun to achieve the goals he had set while in preparation in the States finally got to him. He was a mental, emotional, and spiritual wreck; he fell into despair, feeling he had failed God and the people. When he came to talk to me, he hated the country he was in, despised both the people he worked with and those to whom he was supposed to be ministering, and wondered if he had ever known God!

Joan

There is always at least one in a church upon whom the pastor knows he can depend, someone who will come through in every need and crisis. Joan was one of these “beyond-the-call-of-duty” believers. She could never say no, even though, as she was saying yes, she knew she must be out of her mind! She was spread so thin helping others, that she had no time for the nurturing of her own spiritual life. Joan rarely took a vacation and, when ques­tioned, she would actually feel guilty at the thought of resting on a beach, when there was so much to be done at home and in the church. She gave her happy little smile, “After all, if I don’t do it, who will?”

After a job well done, she would beam, standing in the pastor’s office as she received the accolade that would keep her happy for days to come: “I knew we could depend on you, Joan!” But if they forgot to thank her, or if her act of service was omitted from the bulletin, she would sit at home and cry inside, “No one cares about me! I slave day and night and never a mention or thank you!” Joan is a very lonely lady who is seeking to be loved and accepted through serving others. She has such a need for that love, that she cannot say no to any opportunity.

Other Martyrs

There is the mother who believes she must be involved in the marriages of her children, including their finances and the raising of her grandchildren. She worries and frets over every part of their lives, and when she is unable to help, she has insomnia feeling she has failed them and is a failure as a mother. That dear lady, and many variations of her, is giving a twist to the ancient Lie that man first believed in the Garden of Eden. She believes she is God in other people’s lives! She could put a plaque over her door, “Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility”!

This woman believes that she should be omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent, so as to be able to solve everyone’s problems. And she never lacks for people with problems! In this fallen world, there are plenty of people with real needs, and many more who are working out their sinful­ness by wanting others to be responsible for them, to make them the centre of attention, and to enable them to continue their sinful habits.

Finally, there is always the spouse of an alco­holic or drug addict, who believes they are loving the person by protecting them with lies, covering for them, and making excuses for them with their employer. True love would support the problem person, while making them face the devastating results of the choices they have made.

The Boomerang Intention

What all of these people call love, or even service to God, is not the God kind of love that Jesus said was the mark of the believer. In fact, it is not love at all, but a subtle selfishness, the reverse of the love Jesus came to birth in us! It is a toxic substitute for real love. This false love reaches out to others so that it may momentarily know the fleeting feeling of being loved and accepted in return by the person and by God. Like the aborigine, this person sends out their boomerang of service in order to have it return to them with the love and acceptance they seek.

Of the God kind of love the Scripture says, ...perfect love casts out fear...(First John 4:18). Toxic love is governed by the uneasy fear of not being what one should be for God. Moreover, it is shot through with the ever present fear of failing to be enough for the person or persons it seeks to care for, save, or make happy. If the toxic lover fails to help the person in need, then they are attended by feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness.

All of these people burn out, dying inside through their attempts to help, save, and play messiah in the lives of others. The tragedy is that most of them believe they have made the martyr’s sacrifice and have a great reward waiting, when all they have is a heap of ashes!

The Character of Toxic Love

This false and toxic love must fail, for it has its origin in man’s sinful desire to find a substitute for the love of God in his fellow creatures. God’s love, revealed in Jesus Christ, is carefully defined:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, It Is not proud. It Is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.... First Corinthians 13:4-8a (NW)

Toxic love is the reverse of this love. This coun­terfeit love can be very impatient and even unkind to the person who does not respond to its manipu­lations; it shows itself as jealousy if it perceives that another is capturing the praise it seeks. It is given to bragging on its accomplishments, comparing itself with others who are not as dedicated. It is capable of rudeness in order to get its own way.

Above all, it seeks its own, and if it does not achieve its intended results, it can become irritable, angry, and bitter, remembering, sometimes for years, the wrongs done against it. This false love does not want to face the truth about the person or persons it is seeking to rescue, but rather denies the real problem. It will always fail and is in a perpetual state of falling into despair, shame, and the sense of being a total failure.