18. Wishes and Requests
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In respect to the course to be pursued in relation to the requests and wishes of children, the following general rules result from the principles inculcated in the chapter on 'Judgment and Reasoning,' or, at least, are in perfect accordance with them—namely:
'Absolute Authority in Cases of vital Importance'.
1. In respect to all those questions in the decision of which their permanent and essential welfare are involved, such as those relating to their health, the company they keep, the formation of their characters, the progress of their education, and the like—the parent should establish and maintain in the minds of the children from their earliest years, a distinct understanding that the decision of all such questions is reserved for his own or her own exclusive jurisdiction. While on any of the details connected with these questions the feelings and wishes of the child ought to be ascertained—and, so far as possible, taken into the account, the course to be pursued should not, in general, be discussed with the child, nor should their objections be replied to in any form. The parent should simply take such objections as the judge takes the papers in a case which has been tried before him—and reserve his decision. The principles by which the parent is governed in the course which he pursues, and the reasons for them—may be made the subject of very free conversation, and may be fully explained, provided that care is taken that this is never done when any practical question is pending, such as would give the explanations of the parent the aspect ofpersuasions, employed to supply the deficiency of authority too weak to enforce obedience to a command. It is an excellent thing to have children see and appreciate the reasonableness of their parents' commands, provided that this reasonableness is shown to them in such a way that they are not led to imagine that their being able to see it, is in any sense a condition precedent of obedience.
'Great Indulgence in Cases not of vital Importance'.
2. The authority of the parent being thus fully established, in regard to all those things which, being of paramount importance in respect to the child's present and future welfare, ought to be regulated by the comparative far-seeing wisdom of the parent, with little regard to the evanescent imagination of the child; it is on every account best, in respect to all other things, to allow to the children the largest possible indulgence. The largest indulgence for them in their plays—and even in their caprices and the freaks of their imagination, means 'freedom of action' for their unfolding powers of body and mind; and freedom of action for these powers means the most rapid and healthy development of them.
The rule is, in a word, that, after all that is essential for their health, the formation of their characters, and their progress in study is secured, by being brought under the dominion of absolute parental authority; in respect to what remains, the children are to be indulged and allowed to have their own way as much as possible. When, in their plays, they come to you for permission to do a particular thing, do not consider whether or not it seems to you that you would like to do it yourself—but only whether there is any 'real and substantial objection to their doing it'.
'The Hearing to come before the Decision, not after it'.
The courts of justice adopt what seems to be a very sensible and a very excellent mode of proceeding, though it is exactly the contrary to the one which many parents pursue. That is, they hear the case first—and decide afterwards. A great many parents seem to prefer to decide first—and then hear. That is to say, when the children come to them with any request or proposal, they answer at once with a refusal more or less decided—and then allow themselves to be led into a long discussion on the subject, if discussion that may be called which consists chiefly of simple persistence and pestering on the child's side—and a gradually relaxing resistance on the parent's side—until a reluctant consent is finally obtained.
Now, just as it is an excellent way to develop and strengthen the muscles of a child's arms, for his father to hold the two ends of his cane in his hands while the child grasps it by the middle—and then for them to pull against each other, about the yard, until, finally, the child is allowed to get the cane away; so the way to cherish and confirm the habit of "pestering" in children is to maintain a discussion with them for a time in respect to some request which is at first denied—and then finally, after a protracted and gradually weakening resistance, to allow them to gain the victory and carry their point. On the other hand, an absolutely certain way of preventing any such habit from being formed—and of effectually breaking it up when it is formed, is the simple process of hearing first—and deciding afterwards.
When, therefore, children come with any request, or express any wish, in cases where no serious interests are involved, in deciding upon the answer to be given, the mother should, in general, simply ask herself, not "Is it wise? Will they succeed in it? Will they enjoy it? Would I like to do it if I were they?" But simply, "Is there any harm or danger in it?" If not, readily and cordially consent. But do not announce your decision until 'after' you have heard all that they have to say, if you intend to hear what they have to say at all.
If there are any objections to what the children propose, which affect the question in relation to it as a means of 'amusement for them', you may state them in the way of information for them, 'after' you have given your consent. In that way you present the difficulties as subjects for their consideration—and not as objections on your part to their plan. But, however serious the difficulties may be in the way of the children's accomplishing the object which they have in view, they constitute no objection to their making the attempt, provided that their plans involve no serious harm or damage to themselves, or to any other person or interest.
'The Wrong Way'.
Two boys, for example, William and James, who have been playing in the yard with their little sister Lucy, come in to their mother with a plan for a fish-pond. They wish for permission to dig a hole in a corner of the yard and fill it with water—and then to get some fish out of the brook to put into it.
The mother, on hearing the proposal, says at once, without waiting for any explanations,
"Oh no, I would not do that. It is a very foolish plan. You will only get yourselves all muddy. Besides, you can't catch any fish to put into it—and if you do, they won't live. And then the grass is so thick that you could not get it up to make your hole."
But William says that they can dig the grass up with their little spades. They had tried it—and found that they could do so.
And James says that they have already tried catching the fishes—and found that they could do it by means of a long-handled dipper; and Lucy says that they will all be very careful not to get themselves wet and muddy.
"But you'll get your feet wet standing on the edge of the brook," says the mother. "You can't help it."
"No, mother," replies James, "there is a large flat stone that we can stand upon—and so keep our feet perfectly dry. See!"
So saying, he shows his own feet, which are quite dry.
Thus the discussion goes on; the mother's objections made—being, as usual in such cases, half of them imaginary ones, brought forward only for effect—are one after another disposed of, or at least set aside, until at length the mother, as if beaten off her ground after a contest, gives a reluctant and hesitating consent—and the children go away to commence their work only half pleased—and separated in heart and affection, for the time being, from their mother by not finding in her, as they think, any sympathy with them, or disposition to aid them in their pleasures.
They have, however, by their mother's mis-management of the case, received an excellent lesson in arguing and pestering. They have found by it, what they have undoubtedly often found on similar occasions before—that their mother's first decision is not at all to be taken as a final one; that they have only to persevere in replying to her objections and answering her arguments—and especially in persisting in their pestering—and they will be pretty sure to gain their end at last.
This mode of management, also, has the effect of fixing the position of their mother, in their minds as one of antagonism to them, in respect to their childish pleasures.
'The Right Way'.
If in such a case as this the mother wishes to avoid these evils, the way is plain. She must first consider the proposal herself—and come to her own decision in regard to it. Before coming to a decision, she may, if she has leisure and opportunity, make additional inquiries in respect to the details of the plan; or, if she is otherwise occupied, she may consider them for a moment in her own mind. If her objections are decisive, she should not state them at the time, unless she specially wishes them not to have a fair hearing; for when children have a plan in mind which they are eager to carry out, their very eagerness entirely incapacitates them for properly appreciating any objections which may be offered to it. It is on every account better, therefore—as a general rule—not to offer any such objections at the time—but simply to give your decision.
On the other hand, if there is no serious evil to be apprehended in allowing children to attempt to carry any particular plan they form into effect, the foolishness of it, in a practical point of view, or even the impossibility of success in accomplishing the object proposed, constitute no valid objection to it; for children amuse themselves as much—and sometimes learn as much—and promote as effectually the development of their powers and faculties—by their failures as by their successes.
In the case supposed, then, the mother, in order to manage it right, would first consider for a moment whether there was any decisive objection to the plan. This would depend, perhaps, upon the manner in which the children were dressed at the time, or upon the amount of injury that would be done to the yard; and this question would in its turn depend, in many cases, on the comparative value set by the mother upon the beauty of her yard—and the health, development, and happiness of her children. But supposing that she sees—which she can do in most instances at a glance—that there can no serious harm be done by the experiment—but only that it is a foolish plan so far as the attainment of the object is concerned—and utterly hopeless of success, which, considering that the real end to be attained is the healthy development of the children's powers by the agreeable exercise of them in useless as well as in useful labors—is no objection at all, then she should answer at once, "Yes, you can do that if you like; and perhaps I can help you about planning the work."
After saying this, any pointing out of obstacles and difficulties on her part does not present itself to their minds in the light of opposition to their plan—but of aid in helping it forward—and so places her, in their view, 'on their side', instead of in antagonism to them.
"What do you propose to do with the soil that you take out of the hole?" she asks.
The children had, perhaps, not thought of that.
Continues the mother, "How would it do—to put the soil in your wheelbarrow and let it stay there, so that in case your plan should not succeed—and men, in anything that they undertake, always consider it wise to take into account the possibility that they may not succeed—you can easily bring it all back and fill up the hole again."
The children think that would be a very good plan.
"And how are you going to fill your hole with water when you get it dug out?" asks the mother.
They were going to carry the water from the pump in a pail.
"And how are you going to prevent spilling the water over upon your trousers and into your shoes while carrying it?"
"Oh, we will be very careful," replied William.
"How would it do—only to fill the pail half full each time," suggests the mother. "You would have to go more times, it is true—but that would be better than getting splashed with water."
The boys think that that would be a very good plan.
In this manner the various difficulties to be anticipated may be brought to the notice of the children, while, they and their mother being in harmony and sympathy with each other—and not in opposition—in the consideration of them, she can bring the various difficulties forward without any problem—and make them the means of teaching the children many useful lessons of prudence and precaution.
'Capriciousness in Play'.
The mother, then, after warning the children that they must expect to encounter many unexpected difficulties in their undertaking—and telling them that they must not be too much disappointed if they should find that they could not succeed, dismisses them to their work. They proceed to dig the hole, putting the materials in the wheelbarrow—and then fill up the hole with water brought in half pailfuls at a time from the pump; but are somewhat disappointed to find that the water soaks away pretty rapidly into the ground—and that, moreover, it is so turbid—and the surface is so covered with little leaves, sticks—and dust, as to make it appear very doubtful whether they would be able to see the fish, if they were to succeed in catching any to put in. However, they take their long-handled dipper and proceed towards the brook. On the way they stop to gather some flowers that grow near the path that leads through the field, when the idea suddenly enters Lucy's head that it would be better to make a garden than a fish-pond; flowers, as she says, being so much prettier than fish. So they all go back to their mother and explain the change of their plan. They ask for permission to dig up a place which they had found where the ground was loose and sandy—and easy to dig—and to set out flowers in it which they had found in the field already in bloom. "We are going to give up the fish-pond," they say in conclusion, "because flowers are so much prettier than fish."
The mother, instead of finding fault with them for being so capricious and changeable in their plans, says, "I think you are right. Fish look pretty enough when they are swimming in the brook—but flowers are much prettier to transport and take care of. But first go and fill up the hole you made for the pond with the soil that is in the wheelbarrow; and when you have made your garden and moved the flowers into it, I advise you to get the watering-pot and give them a good watering."
It may be said that children ought to be brought up in habits of steadiness and perseverance in what they undertake—and that this kind of indulgence in their capriciousness would have a very bad tendency in this respect. The answer is, that there are times and seasons for all the different kinds of lessons which children have to learn—and that when in their hours of recreation they are amusing themselves in play, lessons in perseverance and system are out of place. The object to be sought for 'then' is the exercise and growth of their bodily organs and members, the development of their imagination, and their powers of observation of nature. The work of training them to habits of system and of steady perseverance in serious pursuits, which, though it is a work that ought by no means to be neglected, is not the appropriate work of such a time.
'Summary of Results'.
The general rules for the government of the parent in his treatment of his children's requests and wishes are these: In all matters of essential importance— he is to decide himself and simply announce his decision, without giving any reasons 'for the purpose of justifying it', or for 'inducing submission to it'.
And in all matters not of essential importance he is to allow the children the greatest possible freedom of action.
And the rule for children is, that they are always to obey the command the first time it is given, without question—and to take the first answer to any request without any objection or pestering whatever.
It is very easy to see how smoothly and happily the affairs of domestic government would go on, if these rules were established and obeyed. All that is required on the part of parentsfor their complete establishment is, first—a clear comprehension of them—and then a calm, quiet, and gentle—but still inflexible firmness in maintaining them. Unfortunately, however, such qualities as these, simple as they seem, are the most rare. If, instead of gentle but firm consistency and steadiness of action—ardent, impulsive, and capricious energy and violence were required—it would be comparatively easy to find them. How seldom do we see a mother's management of her children regulated by a calm, quiet, gentle and considerate decision, which thinks before it speaks in all important matters—and when it speaks, is firm; and yet, which readily and gladly accords to the children every liberty and indulgence which can do themselves or others no harm. And on the other hand, how often do we see foolish laxity and indulgence, in yielding to pestering in cases of vital importance, alternating with vexatious thwartings, rebuffs and refusals—in respect to desires and wishes the gratification of which could do no injury at all!
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