13. COMPLAINTS OF SPIRITUAL LANGUOR.
13. COMPLAINTS OF SPIRITUAL LANGUOR.
O Lord, these many years I have pretended to love you. I have indeed tasted that you are gracious; but, alas! how can I say that I love you, when my heart is not fixed on you? Can I love you, and not long for you?
Surely it is the nature of love to be impatient and restless until possessed of the object beloved; yet how little do I long for you! How can I dwell with so much contentment at such a distance from you! I am not only astonished—but terrified at myself. O lukewarm heart! O lifeless lover that I am! is this my kindness to my friend?
Did I rightly esteem the smiles of your face, and the light of your countenance, I could not dwell with so much pleasure in this land of darkness. Did I regard the honor of your name as I ought, the daily sight of your enemies would be my daily grief; and to find myself so often acting the enemy against my dearest Lord, and best friend, would be my continual lamentation and burden.
Is it possible I can be an heir of God, an expectant of glory—and not pant after communion with God? Ah! in what delusive dreams have I hitherto been held! Is the whole creation able to balance the loss of one moment in heaven? Shall I dwell so long at Jerusalem, and not long to enter into the palace to see the King's face! O chief among ten thousand! strike off my fetters, and captivate my love!
Divide your heavens, and let my eye of faith look in—and my soul will follow my eye. Why should I, when invited to a crown of heavenly glory—resort to worldly vanities? What a struggle have I with stubborn self, present things, a carnal mind, a weak faith, cold desires, and languid love!
O to be enriched with that faith which is the substance of all that a believer can hope for, the evidence and pledge of all the divine excellencies of the unseen world! Then, my faith shall work by love, and my love shall go out on God, and I shall truly long to be forever with the Lord!