1. Three Modes of Management
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It is possible, that in the minds of some people the idea of employing gentle measures in the management and training of children, may seem to imply the abandonment of the principle of authority, as the basis of the parental government, and the substitution of some weak and inefficient system of artifice and maneuvering in its place. To suppose that the object of this work is to aid in effecting such a substitution as that—is entirely to mistake its nature and design. The only government of the parent over the child that is worthy of the name, is one of authority—complete, absolute, unquestioned authority. The object of this work is, accordingly, not to show how the gentle methods which will be brought to view can be employed as a substitute for such authority—but how they can be made to aid in establishing and maintaining it.
There are three different modes of child-training, customarily employed by parents as means of inducing their children to comply with their requirements. They are,
1. Government by Maneuvering and Artifice.
2. Government by Reason and Affection.
3. Government by Authority.
1. Government by MANEUVERING and ARTIFICE.
Many mothers manage their children by means of tricks and contrivances, more or less adroit, designed to avoid direct issues with them, and to cajole or beguile them, as it were, into compliance with their wishes. As, for example, where a mother, recovering from sickness, is going out with her husband for the first time, and, as she is still feeble—wishes for a very quiet drive, and so concludes not to take little Mary with her, as she usually does on such occasions; but knowing that if Mary sees the coach at the door, and discovers that her father and mother are going in it, she will be very eager to go too—the mother adopts a system of maneuvers to conceal her design. She brings down her bonnet and shawl by stealth, and before the coach comes to the door she sends Mary out into the garden with her sister, under pretense of showing her a bird's nest which is not there, trusting to her sister's skill in diverting the child's mind, and diverting her with something else in the garden, until the coach has gone. And if, either from hearing the sound of the wheels, or from any other cause, Mary's suspicions are awakened, (and children habitually managed on these deceitful principles soon learn to be extremely distrustful and suspicious,) and she insists on going into the house, and thus discovers the mother's stratagem; then, perhaps, her mother tells her that they are only going to the doctor's, and that if Mary goes with them, the doctor will give her some dreadful medicine, and compel her to take it, thinking thus to deter her from insisting on going with them to ride.
As the coach drives away, Mary stands bewildered and perplexed on the door-step, her mind in a tumult of excitement, in which hatred of the doctor, distrust and suspicion of her mother, disappointment, vexation, and peevishness—surge and swell in her heart—doing perhaps an irreparable injury. The mother, as soon as the coach is so far turned that Mary can no longer watch the expression of her countenance, goes away from the door with a smile of satisfaction upon her face at the ingenuity and success of her little artifice. In respect to her statement that she was going to the doctor's, it may, or may not, have been true. Most likely not; for mothers who manage their children on this system, find the line of demarcation between deceit and falsehood so vague and poorly defined, that they soon fall into the habit of disregarding it altogether, and of saying, without hesitation, anything which will serve the purpose in view.
2. Government by REASON and AFFECTION.
The theory of many mothers is that they must govern their children by the influence of reason and affection. Their method may be exemplified by supposing that, under circumstances similar to those described under the preceding head, the mother calls Mary to her side, and, smoothing her hair caressingly with her hand while she speaks, says to her, "Mary, your father and I are going out to ride this afternoon, and I am going to explain it all to you why you cannot go too. You see, I have been sick, and am getting well, and I am going out to ride, so that I may get well faster. You love mamma, I am sure, and wish to have me get well soon. So you will be a good girl, I know, and not make any trouble, but will stay at home contentedly, won't you? Then I shall love you, and your papa will love you, and after I get well we will take you to ride with us some day."
The mother, in managing the case in this way, relies partly on convincing the reason of the child, and partly on an appeal to her affection.
3. Government by AUTHORITY.
By the third method the mother secures the compliance of the child by a direct exercise of authority. She says to her—the circumstances of the case being still supposed to be the same— "Mary, your father and I are going out to ride this afternoon, and I am sorry, for your sake, that we cannot take you with us." "Why can't you take me?" asks Mary. "I cannot tell you why, now," replies the mother, "but perhaps I will explain it to you after I come home. I think there is a good reason, and, at any rate, I have decided that you are not to go. If you are a good girl, and do not make any difficulty, you can have your little chair out upon the front door-step, and can see the coach come to the door, and see your father and I get in and drive away; and you can wave your handkerchief to us for a good-bye."
Then, if she observes any expression of discontent or lack of submission in Mary's countenance, the mother would add, "If you should not be a good girl, but should show signs of making us any trouble, I shall have to send you out somewhere to the back part of the house until we are gone." But this last supposition is almost always unnecessary; for if Mary has been habitually managed on this principle she will not make any trouble. She will perceive at once that the question is settled—settled irrevocably—and especially that it is entirely beyond the power of any demonstrations of lack of submission or rebellion, that she can make to change it. She will acquiesce at once. She may be sorry that she cannot go, but she will make no resistance.
Those children only attempt to carry their points by noisy and violent demonstrations who find, by experience, that such measures are usually successful. A child, even, who has become once accustomed to these resistings, will soon drop them if she finds, owing to a change in the system of management, that they now never succeed. And a child who never, from the beginning, finds any efficiency in them, never learns to employ them at all.
Conclusion. Of the three methods of managing children exemplified in this chapter, the last is the only one which can be followed either with comfort to the parent, or benefit to the child. And to show how this method can be brought effectually into operation by gentle measures is the object of this book. It is, indeed, true that the importance of tact and skill in the training of the young, and of cultivating their reason, and securing their affection—cannot be overrated. But the influences secured by these means form, at the best, but a sandy foundation for filial obedience to rest upon. The child is not to be made to comply with the requirements of his parents—by being artfully cajoled into compliance; nor is his obedience to rest on his love for father and mother, and his unwillingness to displease them; nor on his conviction of the rightfulness and reasonableness of their commands—but on simple submission to parental authority—that absolute and almost unlimited authority which all parents are commissioned by God, and nature—to exercise over their children during the period while the children remain dependent upon their care.
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