My Blunders With Alters
Next Part Jesus: the Perfect Alter
Revealing the full truth to alters is, to say the least, a delicate matter. Even the positive aspects are mind-boggling, such as suddenly learning that dreaded events are already in the past. There are also distressing aspects, such as learning that joyfully anticipated events like graduations and parenthood have already gone.
It is helpful to explain to alters that they have actually enjoyed some anticipated events and that they will gradually gain full memory of these positive events. Often, however, the truth brings the crushing news that some cherished dreams will never materialize. This news can be so traumatic that an alter could even split yet again because of it.
As God told a young alter, if anything is really lost – no matter what – God is able to make up for it seven fold. In the short term, however, this solace might seem so inadequate that alters could turn suicidal over shattered dreams, just because someone made them realize the nature of reality without adequately preparing them for it.
Since alters are already deeply hurting, conversing with alters is like massaging people who have invisible wounds randomly scattered over their body. Your massage can bring them great relief but with the slightest slip their pain will sky-rocket.
I was casually talking with a friend, when suddenly an alter of hers began speaking to me for the first time ever. Eager to understand who this alter is, I asked her age. She didn’t seem to know. I asked what her earliest memories were and I couldn’t seem to get an answer. Trying to get a rough idea of her “age,” I asked if she recalled a certain key event in my friend’s life and suddenly I loathed myself, desperately wishing I could have taken back my words. I had foolishly mentioned a key but distressing event in her host’s life that this alter had been unaware of until my blunder. Yes, alters need to know everything eventually, but my timing – mentioning it as soon as she first revealed herself – was most inappropriate, and highly disturbing for the alter.
On another occasion, I tried to comfort an alter who thought she was only four but felt compelled to help her host in adult tasks that were taxing for a little child. My intentions could not have been more admirable in gently explaining that she really isn’t four, but for days this dear alter was so crushed by what she perceived as the implications, that she wished she were dead and refused to speak to me or to God, her best friend. The alter eventually came to terms with what had slipped from my mouth but my timing was particularly atrocious because right then all of the woman’s other alters were reeling with pain and confusion over another issue.
Alters’ deep fear of rejection (the consequence of very real and bitter experiences), keeps them terrified of what might happen if anyone they do not fully trust learns anything about them. In addition, they usually feel a great responsibility to do their utmost to protect the rest of the person from pain. Rightly or wrongly, this typically includes feeling obligated to keep distressing information secret from their hosts or fellow alters.
So alters usually take deep offense at anyone betraying their confidence by letting slip any details about them – even their mere existence – to anyone else. Despite me knowing this, I suggested to a friend that he begin to inform his wife about alters by handing her some general information about Dissociative Identity Disorder. I thought this safe because there was nothing in the information about his own alters, nor even the suggestion that he himself had alters, but to my dismay, this simple act done without consulting his alters caused one of them to feel deeply betrayed and to be furious with his host for days.
I’ve also had two unfortunate instances stemming from not realizing who I was speaking with. In the first instance, an alter who at the time was completely unknown to me was tentatively reaching out to me while pretending to be another alter. The other time, I assumed I was communicating with the host when it was actually a recently-surfaced alter.
It is common for alters not to identify themselves, sometimes because they are shy and sometimes simply because they don’t consider how difficult it is for people to distinguish between alters who share the same body and vocal cords. The problem is that a person’s alters usually differ markedly from each other. An alter who believes she is three will think and act very differently to an alter formed as a teenager who, in turn, will differ greatly from a middle-aged host. Likewise, an alter who has only recently surfaced will be very different to one who has travelled much further on the healing journey. These differences mean that the same behaviour that would represent a praiseworthy advance for one alter might indicate a disappointing regression if displayed by another alter.
We instinctively adjust our expectations according to who we believe we are talking to. If someone is acting more childlike or less intelligent or less Christian than we have come to expect for that person, we are likely to register our surprise with a mild rebuke or remark that the alter we think we are talking to would take in his or her stride but could deeply wound an alter who is at a very different stage of the healing journey.
Alters need to know that failing to identify themselves, rather than being the extra-safe way of testing the waters that they suppose, is the very thing that exposes them to the greatest danger of getting hurt. They will inevitably do it from time to time, however, even if merely because they forget that it is not obvious to others which alter is speaking.
In the worst of my blunders, alters recovered within a few days. The alters later said that the fact that they knew I genuinely cared for them helped them forgive me. Writes one of them:
Yes, people make mistakes, but once we alters understand that this is very hard, not just on us but on you, we can help you deal with the challenges as you help us deal with our pain.
But though I used to pride myself in being tactful and considerate, I quickly discovered that alters are so hyper-sensitive that my best attempts to help are like trying to trim toenails with a chainsaw.
Alters desperately need help. Doing nothing could be more cruel and dangerous than the most serious blunder. So caving into the difficulties and giving up trying to help alters is not a compassionate option. The need for courage in befriending alters is as immense as the need for superhuman wisdom.
Even the famous counsellor, teacher and author, Dr. Neil T Anderson, writes in his book Set Free (page 219) about the most basic aspect of ministering to alters – distinguishing alters from demons:
Sometimes it is difficult even if you have a lot of experience and spiritual discernment. Even the most experienced and mature people can be deceived. I certainly have been.
Since I have yet to find an infallible therapist to whom I could relinquish the task, I can only pray more, and trust myself less, and lean heavily upon God. Here’s a Scripture everyone relating to alters needs to pray often:
Psalms 141:3 Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.
Next Part Jesus: the Perfect Alter